What's stopping you?

 

This picture is very indicative of how I feel about some parts of my life: rocky shore, rushing water, another rocky shore between me and the thing(s) I want. How do I cross? How do I overcome? How do I believe that any of these things are even possible?

The last few months have been stretching, expanding months with plenty of change. I feel like I have embraced so many new things that nothing old is remaining. While all the change is positive for the most part, I continuously find further road blocks, barriers and large rocks in my way. I also realize that this isn't a surprise to God.

I am learning that there are always things that need healing, need His touch, need to be moved out of the way. I am learning that there is always a community where it is safe to heal, if I will allow it. I am learning that we are all needing kindness (and am learning how to ask for what I need). 

Lately, I have been processing through the realization that I want love in my life again. I have also realized that the love that I want and that God wants for me is not currently in my life. This has led me down a path of  facing fears that I have put aside for a long time. My way of dealing with the possibility of dating was to not deal with it - for a very long time. Then, a year ago, I connected with a man and began a relationship with him that moved slowly, slowly and opened my heart to the possibilities of love in the future. I am now left wondering 'Can this love exist? How can I believe and hope that I can love again?'

God says, in response to that question, 'Why not? Why can't you? What can't I provide for you? WHAT IS STOPPING YOU?' So far my response is unbelief and fear. I truly have never believed that I could attract or receive what I am hoping for. I have been feeling held back, and ready to burst forth. Except... for being held back.

I had a dream a couple of nights ago that I was about to travel and the night before a friend was staying with me (he is like a big brother, and represents Jesus in this dream). During the night, the screen door on the front of my house started to flap in the wind, and he went to look at it. There was very little left; it was hanging in pieces. So my Jesus figure just ripped it off. 

Talking it over with my best friend, who is great at dream interpretation, it was interesting to note a few things:

• going on an adventure or taking it to the next level isn't as hard as I think
• Jesus is going with me
• Things I don't need (that old screen door) I left on because it could still be used, but when it fell apart it was easy to just remove it. Jesus even did it for me.

So here I am. I need to be in the place of transformation not conformity.  The love that I have lost and the love I am longing for now are not impossible. God does not withhold good gifts from his children, and I am His precious daughter. I need a strong mind game to remind myself of WHO God is, and that I am not going backwards into the place of grief that was. That time is over. This is a new season of joy. It is also a season to step out in new and uncomfortable ways. 

So in the interests of stepping out, I signed up for the scariest thing I could think of: an online dating site. Already I know why I don't want to be there. Ugh and double ugh. However, it is a statement that I am open to what (or who) God is bringing into my life. I want to be free of the tethers of unbelief and grief that have held me back. I want a breakthrough. I don't want to stand in my own way of letting anything happen that could happen if God is who I believe He is.