In every sense, my life looks like a train wreck.
A year and a half ago, my husband and I adopted two children aged 12 and 8 (now 14 and 10). What a huge undertaking it was, and what a year of turmoil for all of us. Things have settled down a little, and we learned a lot, but there is still such a long way to go (and, to be realistic, we may never get "there", whereever "there" is!).
Then, three months ago, my husband took his life. Although I knew he was dealing with (untreated)depression, I had no idea that it would end up the way it did. He was my partner in every sense of the word, and I was completely sideswiped by the loss of one I loved so much. Yet, there was a terrible darkness inside of him which eventually overwhelmed him.
We are now dealing with the continuing fallout of so many issues, so much loss and tragedy. However, at the same time, God speaks into my life. He has been my Saviour for many years, and we have walked together through many trials, toils and snares as the hymn says. Now, through the greatest trial of my life, God the Father has not disappointed me.
Where is God in all of this? How do we make sense of a senseless set of circumstances?
I want to include here some of the truths that God has given me over the last two years as I've been walking the path of adoption with two very damaged children. I also want to include some of the truths God has given me since the loss of my beloved husband.
Two passages have meant a lot to me throughout my life. They resonate with me now:
Psalm 16:5-11
Lord, you alone are my portion and my cup;
you make my lot secure.
The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
surely I have a delightful inheritance. I will praise the Lord, who counsels me;
even at night my heart instructs me.
I keep my eyes always on the Lord.
With him at my right hand, I will not be shaken.
Isaiah 43:1-4
But now, this is what the Lord says—
he who created you, Jacob,
he who formed you, Israel:
“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.
For I am the Lord your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
I give Egypt for your ransom,
Cush and Seba in your stead.
Since you are precious and honored in my sight,
and because I love you,
I will give people in exchange for you,
nations in exchange for your life.
I cannot imagine how my life can carry on, somehow like nothing has happened. There is no reason for me to be able to manage, yet the days pass and I am still here.
That's my answer whenever someone asks me "How are you?". "I'm still here."
And, for now, that's as much as I can manage.
A year and a half ago, my husband and I adopted two children aged 12 and 8 (now 14 and 10). What a huge undertaking it was, and what a year of turmoil for all of us. Things have settled down a little, and we learned a lot, but there is still such a long way to go (and, to be realistic, we may never get "there", whereever "there" is!).
Then, three months ago, my husband took his life. Although I knew he was dealing with (untreated)depression, I had no idea that it would end up the way it did. He was my partner in every sense of the word, and I was completely sideswiped by the loss of one I loved so much. Yet, there was a terrible darkness inside of him which eventually overwhelmed him.
We are now dealing with the continuing fallout of so many issues, so much loss and tragedy. However, at the same time, God speaks into my life. He has been my Saviour for many years, and we have walked together through many trials, toils and snares as the hymn says. Now, through the greatest trial of my life, God the Father has not disappointed me.
Where is God in all of this? How do we make sense of a senseless set of circumstances?
I want to include here some of the truths that God has given me over the last two years as I've been walking the path of adoption with two very damaged children. I also want to include some of the truths God has given me since the loss of my beloved husband.
Two passages have meant a lot to me throughout my life. They resonate with me now:
Psalm 16:5-11
Lord, you alone are my portion and my cup;
you make my lot secure.
The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
surely I have a delightful inheritance. I will praise the Lord, who counsels me;
even at night my heart instructs me.
I keep my eyes always on the Lord.
With him at my right hand, I will not be shaken.
Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices;
my body also will rest secure,
because you will not abandon me to the grave,
nor will you let your faithful one see decay.
You make known to me the path of life;
you will fill me with joy in your presence,
with eternal pleasures at your right hand.
my body also will rest secure,
because you will not abandon me to the grave,
nor will you let your faithful one see decay.
You make known to me the path of life;
you will fill me with joy in your presence,
with eternal pleasures at your right hand.
Isaiah 43:1-4
But now, this is what the Lord says—
he who created you, Jacob,
he who formed you, Israel:
“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.
For I am the Lord your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
I give Egypt for your ransom,
Cush and Seba in your stead.
Since you are precious and honored in my sight,
and because I love you,
I will give people in exchange for you,
nations in exchange for your life.
I cannot imagine how my life can carry on, somehow like nothing has happened. There is no reason for me to be able to manage, yet the days pass and I am still here.
That's my answer whenever someone asks me "How are you?". "I'm still here."
And, for now, that's as much as I can manage.
My heart goes out to you, I'm so sorry for your loss. May you intimately know that God will never leave you nor forsake you, you are loved. And you are not alone. I know several other widows who's husbands also died from depression. I'll be praying for you, and your name says it all, Stillhope.
ReplyDeleteMy heart goes out to you, I lost my sweet husband in July 2011 and I miss him daily, I don't have children at home so you have your hands full. But I can relate to you when you are asked "how are you?" - I am still here also, until God takes me home. You listed one of my favorite scriptures that I have read over and over again, I have it on my computer screen, "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you ..." I say it to myself several times daily - may you find comfort that others are praying for you.
ReplyDeleteMy heart hurts for you as well - yes the days go on - relentlessly - and we are still here - here trusting and clinging to the Father who loves us all. There are so many willing to come alongside you with prayer support and understanding for we too "are still here".
ReplyDeleteI am so terribly sorry for your loss and the challenges you have and are facing. I too adopted 'special needs' children (years ago) and I lost my husband almost 18 months ago. In a tiny sense I can empathize with you. I will be lifting you and your family up to Jesus!! Bless you!
ReplyDeleteI'm very sorry for your loss. Many times in life (this side of Heaven) we will never really understand why things happen the way they do. I love the following portion of scripture that has given you comfort...
ReplyDeleteWhen you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
May Jesus continue to comfort and show His love for you. You are a special woman.
My heart go out to you. My husband of 18 years took his life 21 months ago unexpectedly, and left me with our 4 children aged 11, 15, 17 and 19 (now). Id dearly love to get in touch with you. Each day is about trusting the Lord and He is faithful. Those verses in Isaiah 43 are encouraging and comforting.
ReplyDeleteFor confidentiality of my kids I'm not really comfortable with making my identity public. However, if you send me an email through this blog, privately, I'll get back to you.
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