Keeping on

Here we are in the 7th month of COVID-19 isolation, and semi-quarantine. For these 7 months, my daughter and I have been largely confined to the house. Of course, I am free to go to the grocery store, pharmacy or walk outside. My daughter was more willing to venture outside during the summer months, but has been almost completely glued to the house for many weeks.

During this time, we are seeing the results of sustained distancing from others, lack of physical contact, eye contact and even just the emotional energy of others. Phone calls, Zoom/Skype and distanced chats in person are our suitable alternatives, but they lack something. 

As I watch my own mood dip and those of people around me, I wonder how do we keep on keeping on? What is ahead of us that we can look forward to? How do we walk with God in the midst of such circumstances beyond our control?

I know that I have been in the dark valley before. I have walked through and had decided that I was done with the grief and darkness a year ago. Now I feel it pulling me back again, mocking my efforts to throw it off. That may be a bit dramatic, but there are a moments when it feels true. My learning this past year has had  few layers:

1. Emotions may be real, but they aren't always true. 

Reality is the experience, and it can be intense at time. I have found myself in familiar patterns of grief and sadness, when I want nothing more than to be happy, joyous and energetic. This is a season to push through the heavy atmosphere, but I lack the ability to do this alone. I feel like I am under a weight.

However, the truth is another story. Who God is has not changed. Graham Cooke asks: Who does God want to be for me in this season? He is fullness of joy, all in all and all, completely Enough, full and abundant and overflowing with ability, grace and peace. There is nothing He can't give, or be for me. Emotions do not indicate this.

2. Negative emotions are not enemies.

As a child, I was taught that negative emotions should be suppressed and controlled. When disaster struck, we accepted it, pushed through and kept busy to manage the emotions. When I was overwhelmed by my emotions, the way I was taught to handle them was to push them down. They were scary things. But in the end, it taught me that my strong negative emotions were enemies and not indicators of unmet needs. 

The truth is that God has moments of anger, moments of grief over the choices of His children, the ways that the enemy has deceived us and taken us hostage. At times, God is angered by our sin, our ignorance of even our rebellion towards Him. I was never taught that my own anger could be positive, even if it is not motivated by righteousness. I want to learn and then share what I learn.

3. We fight from the heavenlies not from the earth. 

Dawna DaSilva teaches this in her book Warring with Wisdom, and it's a mind-altering revelation. If we fight under a weight, we cannot experience the peace, rest and victory that is ours if we are seated with Him in the heavenly place. It sounds so simple! But the place of worship is key.

God told me a few weeks ago to marinate in His love, to know who I am and know Whose I am. In the last few weeks I have felt like a small boat in a large storm. Over and again, I think of that picture from the gospels: the disciples (who were hardened and experienced fishermen) were terrified by this storm. Jesus was asleep in the boat. He knew no anxiety about the storm, because it was quickly stilled by his voice saying "peace, be still!". That is the place of confident warfare.

I have chosen to remain under the emotion a lot of the time lately. I blame it on isolation, being confined at home, having much less physical activity now the weather is colder, and reduced social interaction. It takes energy to process sad or angry emotions, and lift them off to embrace life again.

In full disclosure, I have sought some medical support to help me through the emotions at this time. It has felt like a good self-care move rather than giving up or giving in. I'm hopeful that this is a short-term solution until I feel more able to cope.

I am re-learning how to enter into life when it's hard, when it's heavy going or even lacking in joy. Joy comes in the morning. We exchange our spirit of heaviness for garments of praise. 

I am looking to turn this into a testimony of overcoming, when right now it feels very much like defeat, or a setback. God is faithful no matter what. I am learning, and growing even in the dark. And truly, the light shines in the darkness and the darkness cannot and will not overcome it! (John 1:5).