Setbacks and heartaches

Life is painful right now. I can't sugarcoat it: a few things are being stripped back, other things just need to leave. And, even more difficult, I had to get rid of a few things that weren't the best for me, but I wanted anyway. My home is empty and I'm still in COVID-19 quarantine (I'm not sick, it's the ongoing requirement to social distance and stay home, work from home, be away from everyone else). Just me and the cat. It's a long story, but my daughter needed to be away from me for my safety (and possibly hers too). She was threatening and getting aggressive. Frankly, I've been scared of her for a while. She's a lot bigger than me. And truly, I've been in denial that my sweet, loving, centre-of-my-world daughter is also becoming (perhaps has become) my abuser. There was a crisis last week, and friends who know stuff came over to help. They took a look at me, and then went to talk to my daughter and very quickly assessed the situation to be toxic. TOXIC! How did I get back there, after removing her older sister from the situation, and recovering and learning life together again. How did this happen? It's been a long road to here, but once again I have put up with far more than many others would have. I'm broken inside.

Then a sweet relationship I had entered into has been gradually stalling and slowing. I've been feeling frustration that it isn't leading forward, isn't filling my emotional tank and has been confusing too. I'm not sure I want to write about it here. It's very recently that I issued what was essentially an ultimatum. And, hoping that there would be a response and that I would be worth fighting for, was very disappointed that there was very little response and then silence. He just put his hands up and walked away with sadness. He came to a hard stop. He cannot meet my needs which are simple: I want to be loved, I want to be valued, I want to have a heart connection. But spending time with someone who is waffling, passive, or just holding back, is preventing me from moving forward into meeting others who might be able to meet me in this place and give what I need as well as receive from me.

I would be glad to have companionship with this man - to be friends. I was negotiating with him for that. But, nothing. No response. So I have to let go and walk away and it is sad. I am thinking about my daughter, and how do we repair if she won't take any responsibility for her emotions, her stuff? She has been willing to fight me rather than take responsibility for things, and it's exhausting to have control battles over every little thing. She does not see the impact of her behaviour because it is all motivated by her emotions that she is trying to avoid or purge. She does not see the tremendous privilege she has, but that is partly her age and developmental stage.

At the same time, the fear returns: I am alone. Again. I have failed in relationships. Again. I am not Enough. Still. It hurts so much. I'm sad and scared, and hurting.
And I have to realize that these are all lies from the pit of hell. These are not the truth about who God says I am. My friend said that I am in a place where I come into agreement with who God says I am (not just alignment, but agreement - the difference between an external assent and an internal belief). This is a battle, but I need to be in the broken place.

God says: When things seem hard, you put your head down and power through. That is your way, and the way you were taught. I want to teach you a new and living way. I want you to learn from your new family, your true Father, the One who made you and loves you more than life itself - enough to lay down my life for you. I am the One you need. You need to lean back into me as a parent. I tell you this OFTEN, and seldom do you do it. This is not a condemnation but a correction. Start to lean into me for the reconciliation that is needed AND the pathway forward that must have boundaries and a direction.

Love is not a privilege for you, my daughter. You were born to be loved and cherished. The enemy has worked hard to infiltrate where he sees a gap in your life to erode this deep need: rejection has played a part in your development since before you were conceived. You cannot win over him, but you can embrace and engage in my Perfect Love, which casts out fear, receive your redemption, and know that you are Precious to me: not ever illegitimate.

I want to learn this new way. Last night, I went into an old pile of stuff that has been there for years and found a few things I bought when I was first married that were intended for a baby's room. These things crossed the Atlantic Ocean with me when I moved from one country to my home country. These things have been hidden physically, but have been rooted in my grief and sadness over my inability to conceive a child and birth my own flesh and blood. They have been the symbol of a lack of fruit. BUT today I am packing them up, and regifting them to a fruitful young mother who is full of joy in her baby, her new husband and the life they have together. They will be blessed by these things I made in hope and I gift them in hope too.

There is more to remove and more to get rid of. I need to remove things I held onto because of sentimentality or a feeling that I couldn't throw it away because of what or who it represents, but actually I don't want or need it. There is more freedom to come because I can do this.

You were taught with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness. Ephesians 4:22-24