I attended a conference through Facebook (in times of global pandemic, everything is online!) and a session about the stuff in our lives was really inspirational for me. I decided to go through a pile of papers and clutter in my basement, and found a little parcel of fabric that I had kept for years for a baby nursery that was never needed. It was something from a very old wound and old grief over never being able to have a baby, and I realized that I didn't need it anymore. If anything, I needed to get rid of it! So, I reached out to a friend and was able to pass these things on to a young mother with a 1 year old. Included in the parcel was a large alphabet cross stitch with Beatrix Potter animals on it for each letter. I had worked on it for several years, and was really proud of it. But over time it became a reminder of what I didn't have and never would. By the time my daughter came on the scene, she was far too grown up for something like that, so I kept it hidden in the basement for a long while.
I felt the significance of that change, but then a direct word from a friend helped me to see some of the other areas of the house that were full of old things I no longer needed: a painting from my grandparents' home that no one liked or wanted but I felt strongly that I needed to look after and hang in my home even though it never fit well with my style and my decor; two suits that belonged to my husband that I refused to shove into a plastic bag and donate to a secondhand shop; photos on the wall of so many dead people.
Not only did I need to remove some things, I also needed to ask Holy Spirit to show me what to remove. A bookcase, a box in the back of my closet (which contained sympathy cards from the time of my husband's death I had kept and forgotten), an old dresser were all removed and suddenly I noticed the house beginning to breathe.
While I was in this process, my daughter caught on. She had been sitting with me in our guest room which has now become my ad hoc office while I am working from home through the COVID-19 lockdown this year, and she said with some emotion: we need to paint this room! It had never been repainted after her sister left because I never thought to. I realized that me getting rid of some things had rubbed off on her. After painting the room, it felt completely fresh and new. Then my daughter asked if I would put some of her childhood items on Facebook Marketplace for her. These were all things I thought of as significant because they had meant something to her: her DS and a beloved book series she didn't need anymore.
She has just turned 18, and this has been a tough transition for her. She has been angry and confrontational externally, while I think actually grieving the "loss" of her childhood. She may not feel ready or even be ready to be an adult, but time has moved forward anyway. In the process, she has been very tough on me. And some of these old patterns (going back to her family line) don't serve her any more.
This is the question I am trying to ask myself regularly now: does this serve me? Not that our goods and stuff are there just to serve, but that I need to consider if things are actively hindering me from moving forward. Ironically, the process of doing this is going to take some time. I have been working fairly steadily through areas of the house, and there are still many things I see that I need to change. However, there is a new joy in taking this space back. There is hope that I can embrace my new life in all its forms, and not be afraid.
Above all, I am learning that holding on to people who have died doesn't bring them back or keep them. I haven't actually done anything with this stuff that makes me feel better about my life. I almost feel better having released it and allowing space for new ideas, new hope and new directions. Cleaning out the old to make way for the new is a metaphor for what God is doing in my heart as well.
For a little while, I have been praying for truth in the inmost parts (Ps 51:6). It has been a fairly painful process to be honest. I thought I was an authentic person who wasn't afraid to be real. Yet, that is only partly true. There are aspects of me that are more like a turtle: hiding away because she is too afraid to come out at all and unsure if it's safe to be who she is. I feel messy to be honest. My house is a metaphor for my soul because there are cluttered places, and hidden things that need to be cleaned out. In the natural, I'm donating, recycling and throwing away. In the spirit, it all gets to the feet of Jesus and submitted to His Lordship. He is holding me and carrying me through this process that takes time.
Psalm 51:6-10
Behold, you desire truth in the innermost being, and in the hidden part [of my heart] you will make me know wisdom.
Purify me with hyssop, and I will be clean;
Wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.
Make me hear joy and gladness and be satisfied;
Let the bones which you have broken rejoice.
Hide your face from my sins and blot out all my iniquities.
Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right and steadfast spirit within me.
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