A year or so ago, a friend told me that I have many barriers up and I look so self sufficient. But she felt I need to allow myself to be in community and let people help me. That same friend also asked me for a list of things I would need help with, and then I have heard no more (understanding that this friend is also busy with her own life, so there is no expectation from me toward her). But that is exactly my point: I need to be self-sufficient because I live in a culture where we are all expected to look after our own stuff. I can't expect other people to come over to my house and put out my garbage for me or parent my daughter, even when I'm exhausted physically, emotionally, and mentally. I have talked about this before in this blog. Widows, or any single person for that matter, deals with this all the time. We all have to take on our responsibilities, and in my case, I am carrying quite a lot. However, it's not like I have it worse than anyone else. If we are going to compare ourselves it will always end up that we are worse off than some and far better off than others.
Meanwhile, I have walls up. There are walls for parenting, professionalism (also known as boundaries...) and relationships with peers. Walls definitely have their purpose, and aren't all bad. There is always a time and place for them. Boundaries can also look like a fence or a line in the sand, depending on the context. Some barriers and walls are necessary for function, but they should not be there all the time with everyone.
This is where God is taking me out on a new pathway. I have launched into new territory where I'm not able to have walls and need to communicate what I need more clearly. Back in July, I did this with my closest friends. I was feeling lonely, and tired of everyone always being too busy to spend time with me. I was being understanding on the outside, but inside resentful and tired of being alone. It was starting to affect my ability to believe that I was loved by these friends. So I arranged a time for us all to get together, and we sat in one friend's backyard, ate berries and toast, and generally commented on how nice it was to be together. Finally, I spoke out. I felt so very blunt: I NEED you guys! I need this time. I am tired of eat, work, sleep and knit at home by myself. I NEED friends, and adults in my life. You are my closest friends, and I can't keep making new friends, trying to find someone else who wants to know me, when you already do! Wow that was vulnerable, and it was a split second before a few sets of eyes looked at me, and actually agreed. Another single friend, and even the married ones, all agreed that we need more connection in our lives.
Since that day, we have arranged (and managed) to meet as a group once a month for breakfast. It's been three months so far, and that has been enough to connect us again. We message each other in between for prayer and support. I am feeling more attached and remembered and able to remember and support. It has been a breakthrough I needed so badly. As a result, I've been able to lower walls to allow other people in. Just this past week, I invited a few people over for dinner and wasn't overwhelmed by preparations and all the cleaning. I felt like myself again. I used to be so hospitable when I lived overseas, and enjoyed it so much. But back here in my home country, it is not cultural to be hospitable, so I've gotten out of practice.
In August, I visited two dear friends in Ireland. They loved on me and my daughter and mum from the moment we arrived until the moment we left. As we were dropped off at the airport, my friend hugged me tight and whispered in my ear "Remember: you are drop-dead gorgeous. Never forget how precious you are to God." This friend just smashed all my walls down with those words. There were none left. Within a month, so much changed in my life: I had left deep sadness and heaviness behind me, accepted my dream job and reached out in friendship to a man I've known for several years but never connected with before. It's like the sun came out and everything was new.
Ironically, the precursor to this happening was losing walls I had held on to for years and years. Some of them pre-dated my marriage. Some of them were so familiar that I felt (and still feel) naked without them. Somehow my friends in Ireland were the catalyst for me being able to step away from them and choose to lower them in certain situations, and risk again - maybe even for the first time. This is new, and so very very scary.
A few days ago I was chatting to my new friend, and we talked about how God won't let me put my walls back up with him. I keep wanting to. But even at the pain points I just can't do it. And I'm all too aware that this could lead to rejection, or hurt, or pain, or all of these. It's very vulnerable, and uncomfortable. He has walls too, and I feel them go up, then down, then back up, then back down. He joked it's like a car window. Maybe mine are the same. But we all need to find ways to keep our walls down, to keep our love on (as Danny Silk puts it).
Standing in relationship with another person, even a friend, is vulnerable and feels naked. God gave me reassurance from two verses I've had in my life many times:
Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, ‘He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.’
Surely he will save you from the fowler’s snare and from the deadly pestilence.
He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart. Ps 91:1-4
As the mountains surround Jerusalem, so the Lord surrounds his people both now and for evermore. Ps 125:2
However we may feel with walls down, we are not exposed. I have even felt the physical touch of two hands on my shoulders from behind, and the sense of two very large wings covering me across my body protecting my heart and my being with an angelic presence. It may have been there all along, but now I need it more than ever. May it encourage you today, too.
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