It's ok to be brave

One of the bravest people I know is my daughter. She keeps trying even in the midst of many challenges. She gets frustrated and lashes out, but she is also learning to be gentle with herself and, therefore, with me. A few months ago, she bravely ventured into a friendship with a guy. I watched her carefully and a little excitedly start seeing him more and allow him into her life more than any other male friend in her life so far. It was scary for me too, but for other reasons! Then, recently, I have ventured into the same territory and it has been, frankly, terrifying.

I have been shut off, closed down and very absorbed for years. The last seven years have been a journey of grieving: first my husband, and then my older daughter. It has been a journey of constant emotion, and at times I've been so tired it's all I can do to get through the day. However, I have felt more and more lonely as well. It is not my plan to remain alone for the rest of my life, and I need to begin to release my daughter to lead her own life as an adult (in time, not today!). But I'm also needing to live my own life as an adult.

A few weeks ago, I stepped through a doorway out of grief and into a scary, brave new place. I felt God was telling me throw things off, and I had to take a deep breath and leap. Very unexpectedly, a connection developed between me and man I've known for a while through church. We never really talked or connected on any level. But suddenly we were connecting deeply. It has been a huge learning curve. It needs to move slowly. But God has also told me to stay open and not put my walls back up. I want to guard my heart. I don't want to expose myself to hurt. But it is like I can't.

I was journalling and wrote (or thought in my mind), that I don't feel very brave with this. God immediately told me that I am braver than I know. I'm not even aware how brave I am. He reminded me that I took a chance on parenting two broken children because I wanted to be a mother. I stepped into His calling toward adoption, and risked everything. I lived with a deeply depressed man at the time too, so I only added more to my workload. I allowed one daughter to nearly break me because I wanted her to be saved. So, I guess that makes me brave. In any case, it is the truth.

Suddenly I feel like I'm bursting out of the darkness, and into a new place of light. There is definitely joy in this new friendship that is developing. It is also terrifying and I want to hide sometimes. Fear is often at the back door, nipping at my heels. Then God reminds me that He does not partner with fear, He does not bring fear into the equation at all. Fear is not from Him! If anything, I need to press in rather than shrink back. Pressing into the Lord rather than shrinking away from Him is always the best way to go. It may take faith, but it ultimately leads to greater life and victory.

Another theme for me has been the number 11. I've seen it on the clock as 11:01, 1:11 and 11:11. 11 on its own means transition into something new and overdue (according to Doug Addison). The 11th hour comes just before the start of a new day. According to the Bible, number 1111 is considered to be a symbol of a wake up call and spiritual awakening. If this number enters your life and if you see it everywhere, it is a sign that God is calling you. There is always room to say no, but it is definitely not the way I want to go. Painful or not, I want to embrace the new, to be brave and nurture growth in my life. There is no one else with the words of eternal life.

Hebrews 10:23-25 (the Passion Translation) So now we must cling tightly to the hope that lives within us, knowing that God always keeps his promises! Discover creative ways to encourage others and to motivate them toward acts of compassion, doing beautiful works as expressions of love. This is not the time to pull away and neglect meeting together, as some have formed the habit of doing, because we need each other! In fact, we should come together even more frequently, eager to encourage and urge each other onward as we anticipate that day dawning.