Romans 12:2 is my life verse. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is: his good, pleasing and perfect will. My whole life has been able to moving from a place of conformity to a place of transformation. Let me explain!
When I was a teenager, I formally committed my life to Jesus. I prayed a prayer telling Him that I knew I was a sinner, and I wanted His forgiveness and His presence in my life from then on. Up to that moment, I had been a regular church-goer but had never heard the message of salvation and repentance. I grew up in a religious family, but a living relationship with Jesus was a completely foreign concept. And, to be honest, I was always a very cautious and conscientious kind of child. Other than not handling my emotions very well, I would say I was a pretty obedient kid. My journey with God since then has been a series of surrenders. God has always wanted me to be transformed rather than conforming to a set of rules. That is my challenge because conformity is my automatic response.
A few years after my conversion, I had the opportunity to stay at a Christian community where I was assigned a mentor. He was a very kind man who sized me up within a few hours, and challenged me to decide whether I wanted to keep my life in compartments (separate sections for work, school, family and God) or to allow God into every aspect of my life. I had to go away and decide. It actually took me some time, as I was wrestling with a few major issues: was it God’s will that my father died when I was 9? Is it ok for a Christian to be a homosexual? Does the Holy Spirit exist today? Eventually, I decided that surrender was the best way forward and I could figure out the rest later.
My journey of discipleship has been that way ever since. I come up against something, and it defines a new way forward in my life. Therefore I have multiple testimonies like this: before and after always looks so different with God in it!
Another major milestone in my life was learning to hear God’s voice. My religious conformity resisted this idea for a while, but I couldn’t deny the power and reality of Holy Spirit. A friend told me she had a “word” for me, and gave me a Bible verse. She explained that, when she wanted to encourage someone, she would pray and ask God to give her something for them. Then, if an idea or verse dropped into her mind right away, she would take it as from Him. If her mind started wandering or it didn’t come up at all, she would try another time.
Later, I learned from Mark Virkler’s teaching about journalling, and that revolutionized how I heard God all over again. I applied hearing God to my life and continue to do so now. It has been a lifesaver during my darkest days, the key for my sanity at times. It sounds dramatic, but honestly there is no better way through difficult times than with God at your side.
9 years ago, my husband and I were approved to adopt two girls. This signalled the end of a long journey to conceive which was heartbreaking for both of us. We had also come away from our dream of serving on the mission field, and were now trying to set up home back in Canada. Our hearts were heavy and it was a time of unspoken sadness. Although we were close, it was hard to share those feelings. Often, when I was sharing my feelings (neatly disguised as thoughts), people would go straight into advice mode: “just trust God”, “remember, He is faithful”, etc. It was one of those scenarios where I felt like I was being pressed to conform rather than to allow Him in to transform a painful situation.
With the arrival of the girls, I began to conform straight away to the expectations I had of myself, that the children had of me and that the Children’s Aid workers had as well. It was hard to reconcile reality with the dreams I had had before of a family. Our daily life was not anything like what I had imagined. We were thrown in at the deep end with older kids who had survived a traumatic home life, and had been moved twice before to new homes. By the time they got to us, they were not prepared to accept another change. I tried harder, I did everything I could. Inside, I didn’t feel like a mum. I called myself one when we were with others but felt like I was a sham or a failure. Teachers and other strangers, knowing that the girls had been with us for a few weeks or months, called me “mum” in quotation marks or “adoptive mum” which exacerbated those feelings. It just pushed me to keep trying, and hope that eventually reality (and emotions) would catch up.
My younger daughter had to undergo some surgery for her ears, and that was the moment I finally felt like her mum. It had been 4 months since she came home. When I saw her in that huge hospital bed with a little drop of blood on her hospital gown, my heart just contracted and I wanted to protect her from everything and everyone. Suddenly I felt more like a mother. I realized that it was an act of transformation that had taken place without my doing. That is what transformation is all about.
Meanwhile, my older daughter was resisting our parenting and making our home environment a battleground. She refused to conform to the idea of family and being a daughter. It was simply impossible for her to surrender and trust anyone. The ongoing conflict in the home took its toll on everyone. For me, it was hard not to take it personally as she often was very personal in her attacks on me - choosing vulnerable areas to target with her words and physical behaviour. In the midst of that, my husband became deeply depressed but I hardly even noticed. I just kept going, trying to hold everything together. I was conforming as hard as I could but it wasn’t enough. Then my husband lost his battle with depression and took his own life. It was completely sudden and unexpected in the midst of our ongoing homelife struggles.
At that point, I was still very much in motion with my plans. It took a while for the shock to wear off, and my strength to wear out completely. I was in burnout. That’s what conformity does: it brings you to burnout and it’s completely empty. I was completely empty. The love of my life was gone, and I was left with two children: one who hated me (or at least would not be parented by me) and one I hardly knew because I spent so much time managing the situation with the other. It was a mess!
I had lost other family members before, but this loss was the hardest one I’ve ever been through. It flattened me completely. I lost the strength to cope with the battles with my daughter. I wasn’t strong enough to protect her younger sister. I needed help to do so many things. It was a time of tremendous weakness, and I was living a life I had not chosen so I was angry, sad and overwhelmed.
That’s when the journalling came into play. I learned how to hear God all over again. I learned that He is speaking all the time if we can take the time to listen. I also learned that I could write down what I was hearing and when I tuned into flow, I would write and write. I filled so many journals, and I was comforted. I kept journalling and God gave me strategies for dealing with my girls. But there was a step I had to take, and it was very hard.
The legal paperwork for the adoption had never been completed because of the ongoing conflicts with our older daughter. I was informed now that the paperwork could not include my husband as their father because he had already died. It was another heartbreak in a pile of them. I wanted so badly for the girls to have a real father they could rely on, but that wasn’t going to happen.
When we went to the lawyer’s office, both girls had to meet with him and give permission to be adopted. Sadly, my older daughter refused to sign. She did not want me to adopt her, she said. She didn’t want to change her name or break away from her birth family. As hard as that was, it was also a moment that transformed me. Several counsellors advised me that I should accept my daughter’s decision and let her go. The Children’s Aid was pushing me to wait longer and try again, but I didn’t believe that gave me any credibility as a parent. I told them no. I wanted to respect her wishes. It was the first time anyone had asked her what she wanted and she had told them. We should let her decide. I also knew that I would be judged for breaking up the sisters, and in fact a neighbour came to my house to yell at me for upsetting HER daughter by sending my older daughter away.
I remember the weekend she left. I went to visit my aunt so I could be out of the house, and took my younger daughter with me. My friend agreed to let the older daughter stay at her house until the worker could pick her up. We packed her things and left them in the worker’s car. I was relieved and desperately grieved. Within 6 months, our family dream had been smashed to pieces and there were only 2 of us left. Both of us were grieving and devastated.
I celebrated my birthday a few weeks later, and decided to have an afternoon of playing board games, inviting friends to come over, and make it fun. I remember looking at my daughter, and seeing the hollowness in her eyes. Friends came over to support us, because they knew how hard it was, and it was a turning point. We were transformed, then, into a family. At one point, my daughter rested her head on my shoulder. I leaned my head on to hers and I snapped a photo. It is one of my favourites, because I can see the eyes of a mother and daughter in that picture. It was taken at a time of transformation.
My daughter received the spirit of adoption. She and I were not a family at first. But, two years later, we went through such loss that we were the only thing we had left. At the time I adopted her, she adopted me. My heart was transformed too. I didn’t feel unworthy to parent any longer, I felt fiercely protective, passionate and motivated. Suddenly, I was transformed from a deeply grieving widow to a mum who wanted to live for the sake of her child.
Seven years later, it has been an ongoing process of transformation through many challenges. My daughter’s sister has never been integrated back into our family. She stays in contact with her sister, but does not have relationship with me. I have let her go, and continue to grieve her loss.
As for the bereavement from my husband, that is a long and slow process. For three years, I was in deep mourning, and now I am slowly being transformed into the new life God has in mind for me. At the time of my husband’s death, God told me that He would redeem everything that was lost and restore to me a double portion - just like He did for Job. I am waiting for the fulfillment of God’s promise.
Fear and anxiety continue to war on my mind, and at times I have to push myself through them to the new thing I must do. I have been brave at times, and shrunk back at others. There is grace for both situations. I have been afraid to dream, having lost so many dreams in the past. God is transforming that fear and giving me a new heart, but it is a slow process. I’m trying not to fight Him every step of the way!
Even in fear, there is a way to conform: push through it, push it down and keep going, stand firm. But God wants to transform us! Graham Cooke talks about seeking a spiritual antidote for every lie or stronghold that the enemy brings. Fear may come from within, from trauma or circumstances, but it is not an emotion or state of mind that exists in heaven. I am committed to taking every fearful thought captive. Rather than riding it out, I want to address it and pull it down from my mind. I want my mind to be transformed so that there isn’t a place for fear. I want to have hope and belief so that anxiety can’t creep in.
Here are some ways I have found that have helped me.
Journalling, as I already mentioned, is a lifesaver for me to process my emotions. I journal most when my emotions are in turmoil, but it is been a great blessing to read back and see what God has spoken to me through those journalling times.
Listening to worship music and declaring the truth in the words by singing along have been a gateway to the throne of God.
Making daily declarations from scripture focusing on areas that need support (i.e. perfect love drives out all fear).
Refusing to give up! I am very persistent, but God has given me that as a character trait along with being cautious and conscientious. Many times I have been able to hold on to hope when it seems crazy - I want this to be more about being transformed by faith than conforming to a stubborn desire to hang on :-)
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