Backwards or forwards?

A few days ago my daughter went out with friends and was delayed, but her cell phone battery died and corporate teen wisdom did not seem to indicate that she should use another phone to contact me, so for an hour and a half, I was anxiously awaiting her safe arrival home. I *knew* she was fine, but this was a fairly new thing for me as there is a Guy in the group. My emotions were, and are,in a mess over this fairly innocent scene. At the best of times, her communication is limited either by her desire to avoid me “getting mad” or to protect herself. So in this situation, it was no different.

I wondered why I was feeling so emotional, and so overwhelmed. At the time, I realized that my husband had been missing for some time in the same community before the neighbour found him and called police. Obviously, I knew that she was fine, but it took me back to that trauma. And in the midst of it, a few words escaped “I don’t want to be alone.” So here we are in another piece of grief I thought I had finished. The emotions are horribly familiar and I feel like I’m going backwards when I just had a tremendous breakthrough and double portion!

This has been on the back burner for quite a while, but I’ve started to realize that my time with my daughter at home and content in my company is nearly over. It is a natural process, and it needs to happen. But it leaves me alone in a restaurant, at home alone on a Saturday night (or any other night). And now I’m in my early 50s, there isn’t much in the way of eligible single men in my world. So here is the scary thing: I have to grow.

When coming into something new like this, my immediate reaction is fear: dating, being in competition or judged for my appearance terrify me. I have so far avoided it like the plague. There was only one time in my life when I felt confident in my own skin, and that was when I met my husband. But otherwise, my experience has been nothing but anxiety provoking. Online dating is new to me, but seems just as terrifying. I don’t want to be alone, but I don’t want all the scary trappings of trying to figure out if someone is real, true and someone I want to share life with. I’ve also been through too much to open up to casual relationships. I’ve never been much of a casual person anyway.

So moving forward here feels like moving backward, because I want to hide in my cosy little world of parenting, working, housework that never ends, and knitting. Even socializing with my friends (all of whom are married), is hard because everyone is so busy.

I know I am imagining this as if my daughter is moving out tomorrow. Or imagining that God has left me to it, and I have to figure it out with very few resources and no talent. Well hello orphan spirit. Gah! This is far from the truth, and is fully dictated by fear. I’ve never had confidence with men, and here it is rearing up to intimidate me.

This is the time when I need to bring forth my strategies for breakthrough. Declarations continue to be a daily necessity for my mind and my emotions to stay in the right place. Some key ones are:
2Tim 1:7 God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind.
Jer 29:11 He knows the plans He has for me; plans to prosper and not to harm me, plans to give me a hope and a future.
Josh 1:9 Be strong and courageous! Do not be terrified or dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you everywhere you go.

I also need to abide in Him and embrace this season of transition to the new, broader, open thing that is coming. It’s stretching. It’s emotional and I need to believe that it will be worth it because God is here in it. One dream has come through, and a breakthrough from pressing in. So now, I must address this dream. It is not my desire or goal to remain alone. I feel more ready than before.

For today, though, I just need to stay my mind on Him and focus on abiding.