At first, I was taken aback and immediately assumed that she just didn't "get it". After all, her husband and both parents are still alive. Nevertheless, I was prompted not to just dismiss her correction (exhortation?) without considering it before the Lord. I had never noticed the pattern that caused me to believe that grief is part of my identity. Yes, there have been losses in my life, but they do not have to define me. For at least 7 years (maybe longer), I have been giving loss and grief the power to give me identity. Ultimately, it is an excuse to keep people at arm's length. After all, it's much easier that way, and possibly safer. I constantly tell myself that I don't want to hear platitudes and advice or have people minimize what I've been through.
God showed me that, once again, I was projecting into the future without accounting for His presence in it. Entering into relationship with others is not carte blanche to share everything. Boundaries are still an important element of developing friendships with others. Truly, I am longing for honest and open friendships, yet I want to keep my heart safe. It's a delicate balance. Often, I'm erring on the side of holding back and staying away which is safer, but lonelier.
I had to speak out loud that I do not want grief to be my identity, nor do I want to carry the generational grief with me into the future or my daughter's future. It is time to throw off what hinders, and hold on to what remains.
Interestingly, once I did this, I had a dream about my husband which was happy. This was the first one since he died, so it was pretty significant. I knew right away that grief had been weighing me down far beyond what I should have been experiencing at this stage. There is a time to mourn, and there is a time to rejoice. I'm on the path to joy, and it's time to embrace what new life God has ahead for me.
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