In fact, I think it's a sign that my life has transitioned into a new place. I have embraced the truth that my loss doesn't define me, that I'm not identified as a Grieving Widow for the rest of my life (it's not my identity), and there is More that God has ahead for me.
God gave me a picture of a basement with steep stairs, very dark, and a door at the top. It was a picture of what some people do: lock their emotions away in the dark basement so they don't have to deal with them. Just shut the door and put them out of mind. Unfortunately, the emotions still live and can even grow in the dark places. They definitely don't go away. They are just out of sight! Occasionally, they may venture up the stairs, and out into the main living area of the house. This is what unresolved grief looks like.
However, the alternative is to experience, express and process those feelings. If they are released they are less toxic, but it is still very hard work and can take such a long time. It can be exhausting. There have been times when I'm just tired of all that emotion: carrying it constantly is wearing. It isn't intended that you would process, express and so on for the rest of your life. That process is intended to end, or at the very least, become a much smaller part of life.
The picture here is of a basement being renovated - moving from a dark, earthen-floored cellar where no one except spiders and dust bunnies go to a place where studs are framed, insulation is added, pipes and electric wires are installed. It's under construction, there are set-backs, but it's moving from uninhabitable to a useable room in the house. The goal is a fully lit, bright and welcoming space where others can be sheltered in their own grief and find hope that their journey will also end in a positive way.
Ultimately, there has to be a time when "widows weeds" are removed and life opens up in a new way. I actually had a prayer ministry time nearly 4 years ago, when the counsellor did just that. I remember feeling like she was trying to tell me that I was stuck in grief, and I was really unhappy with that label. I didn't think I was, and I still don't. However, now I realize that I must throw off grief as an identity, grief as a lifestyle and grief as a way to protect me from entering into relationships.
It's been 7 years, and that may seem like a lifetime to someone who has not walked in my shoes (or even someone who has), but if I've learned one thing through all of this, it's that we each have our own way of working through grief. It's been at least three years since I've felt deeply grieving and sad. But I've still felt vulnerable and raw, angry and sad. Perhaps this will pass as I continue to move forward.
The last part of the picture was of a finished basement - completely renovated, clean, bright, well-lit and welcoming. It is my hope that my journey through this will encourage and uplift others. God is so faithful through the whole of it. He misses nothing and I'm so thankful for His goodness.
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