I just want to be heard

Over 25 years ago I went through some prayer ministry to break off bondages and hurts in my life that were holding me back. Over the next 10 years, I had periodic ministry to continue this work through a time of development and growth as a Christian. I entered a time of discipleship and received a calling into missions. It seems like such a long time ago now. I can't believe how long ago it seems! But then some of the areas that I thought were long resolved and behind me seem to be resurfacing.

Not long ago I realized that I was struggling with trusting others. I have had several friends advise me not to be so self-sufficient and independent. I have to admit, it is very hard to know how to avoid that. I am a single woman with a lot of responsibility. I can't expect anyone else to help me with the multitudinous tasks that come up in owning a house, trying to parent a teen and working full-time. I am often overwhelmed, but it's not like I can call up a friend and ask them to put out the garbage for me. Since this advice came from two married friends who have spouses to take part in the household duties, I felt angry to hear this advice. However, I have to consider their words too.

Ultimately, it is becoming clearer to me that fear of rejection has been directing my choices for years, and continues to do so. I am, frankly, appeasing this fear and therefore allowing it to grow. It is very scary to open myself up to being turned down when I genuinely need something. I choose to protect myself by not asking for help unless I absolutely have to. Even then, I find myself on the knife edge. If I ask for help it's because I really need it! I want to know that there is an answer forthcoming, that someone can help me.

On top of this, I realize that I am interpreting many situations as rejection (because that's how it feels). Almost daily, I experience rejecting behaviour from my teenage daughter, and I tend to turtle in to avoid the hurt. I feel the pain of not having someone else to back me up or buffer between us when conflict is present. Often, she chooses a very aggressive approach rather than having an honest conversation. I know this is part of development, and her forming her own identity but that doesn't mean it's easy!

Along the same line, I have protected myself from the advice of fellow Christians, and therefore have chosen to keep my personal struggles quiet. It's easier than hearing "Just trust God" (I already do) and "God will make a way" (I know that). I just want to be heard. When I am given a trite answer or my feelings are brushed aside, I feel rejection rather than acceptance. I make it seem more palatable by saying "I don't want to be a burden to anyone" rather than the truth: you don't want to be let down, rejected or even abandoned.

I think that's what this all comes down to: I just want to be heard, accepted, included and affirmed. I don't want advice, even though there are times I need it, or ask for it. Most of the time, I just want to be listened to and supported. When I am in a position of not being heard, affirmed or accepted, I read that as rejection.

My grandfather and stepfather were both involved in freemasonry. Years ago and not so long ago, I went through and renounced those practices. If you are in the same boat, please make sure you meet with a qualified Christian counsellor, and work through renouncing the witchcraft and demonic influences that masonry brings into family lines. God is stronger than any of this.

Even today, as I was reflecting on this in preparation for writing, I renounced the spirit of rejection that comes through freemasonry in my family line. I am 100% accepted, cherished and precious to my heavenly Father. I am fully aware of this, but have to remind myself when I forget (which seems to happen whenever someone I encounter behaves in a way I interpret as rejection).

Another truth to defeat the lie. Worship to overcome oppression. Moving in the opposite spirit and lifting up the name of Jesus is a powerful and effective way to defeat the enemy's influences. God is teaching me to renew my mind so that I can seek Him rather than protect myself from the hurts others will cause.

Maybe this will help you too. I don't think I'm the only one who has felt this way!
I had a great picture in my devotion time this morning. I was walking along carrying lots of suitcases in my arms piled up, and I had a backpack on full of stuff, too. I had the stressful feelings of being about to drop it all and afraid of what would happen then. I had to keep it all moving. Instead, God showed me setting down the bags, and the pack, and taking on what He had for me - He carried the rest or we left some behind and kept going.

Romans 8:5-6 Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires, but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace. {NIV}