There was a knife in my back

I was just given the opportunity to visit California. What an amazing time visiting Bethel Church in Redding, and Jesus Culture in Sacramento as well as attending a conference for work in San Francisco.

At one point, we drove through a very twisty path over a low mountain range near the coast that, eventually, opened up to the most beautiful vista. What a great metaphor for the journey of grief! What a picture of the many times in Scripture we read about the light increasing and the light of dawn rising upon us. That is my theme verse for this year: Arise! Shine! for your light is risen and the glory of the Lord shines upon you! (Isaiah 60:1).

But there was a knife in my back.

For weeks I have been experiencing a sharp and uncomfortable pain in my back, just below my left shoulder blade. I've been receiving massage therapy and chiropractic treatment to alleviate things, and it is slowly abating, but still constantly there. I had prayer for healing at Bethel Church, and felt it break, but then return.

At the same time, I became more and more aware of an increasing negativity inside of myself - directed AT myself. It wasn't just self-confidence. It was an old, old monster: self-criticism. In fact, I was healed of this many years ago, and somehow had let it creep up again inside of me. Every time I did something, I thought about how I've gained weight and don't feel good about how I look, or I'd think about how I'm on my own now and some of that love, support and affection has gone. I didn't realize how much I was relying on that (on him) to counteract my own critical thoughts.

There came a point, as we walked out on the beach by a cliff over the ocean, that I stopped and I cut it off. It was like pulling a knife out of my back. There was INSTANT RELIEF.

Now, stop for a moment and look at yourself. What knife is in your back? What are telling yourself or doing to yourself right now that needs to stop? What is having a physical impact on your body?

This is the time to stop the excuses about grief and loss that make it ok to be mean to yourself. Maybe, like many people, you aren't making time for self-care. Maybe you are excusing those moments of self-pity and letting them rise up.

Stand on the edge of the cliff and look at the power of the ocean. God is bigger than the ocean with all its pounding surf, undertow that will drag you away, and the roar of the waves. God didn't create us so we could undermine all that He intended for us to be.

I am healed because I had to repent of the thoughts I have allowed over and over again. Join me, and do this thing. You can do it.