My daughter and I visited this spot in August. It's where L.M. Montgomery, author of Anne of Green Gables, grew up and where her family lived. What a beautiful location with such tranquil waters and blowing grasses. Heavenly! Just down the road is a zoo-like complex of tourist traps called Cavendish, Prince Edward Island. Ugh. Driving through is enough for me, but I'm sure it's heaven for someone else who likes theme parks, mini golf, go-karts and all that stuff. My daughter loved the ice cream place with the cow on the roof.
For me, life has become more like that. I'm driving along a peaceful road, and then suddenly come upon chaos or emotional turmoil. It seems to sneak up on me unexpectedly rather than announce itself by measures. I don't think I like this development very much - there's no time to plan!
This past week, my daughter was ill. Fortunately she's old enough to be left at home on her own because I am in my busiest season at work and couldn't be off to stay with her. I felt overwhelmed much of the time. First of all, was the realization that I didn't have anyone else to back me up if I couldn't do something. My mum was willing to come for two days and stay during the day so I could be at work. That took a bit of pressure off, for sure. But still, it was me making the decisions and trying to keep every plate in the air. I was exhausted and emotional.
In the midst of it, there were things happening at work that unsettled me and I became panicked about that. I was going to bed at 9:00pm and not sleeping. I was in emotional chaos.
My friend said something to me about losing my place of harmony, and that was not a thought I'd had. It was new to me - surprisingly. I realized how important harmony is, and when I don't have it, I quickly lose my centre.
I also realized that I was easily tipped off balance because the balance is so delicate. This time of year is filled with anniversaries, birthdays, memories, and the lead up to Christmas. I turn a corner, and there is another anniversary date ahead of me. Emotionally, my body is holding its own, but that's about all. Yet, still, I need to give myself permission to be weak. When will I ever learn this lesson?
God spoke to me very quietly one day when I was walking somewhere:
You are so committed to everything and everyone. Why can't you be so faithful and committed to yourself and Me?
That convicted me! How is it that God can make sense so simply and I make it so complicated?
Now my daughter is feeling better and so am I. A few small things made a difference: a friend invited us over for dinner; I took a sick day from work and slept for most of the day; I realized I was catastrophizing one issue at work and will try to communicate clearly about it instead; I said the one thing that has been niggling me out loud: I don't want to be alone.
Jenn Johnson's song is what I need to hear now:
God I look to you / I won't be overwhelmed
Give me vision / to see things like you do
God I look to you / You're where my help comes from
Give me wisdom / you know just what to do
I will love you God my strength / I will love you God my shield
I will love you God my Rock / Forever all my days I will love you God.
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