Suffering is one of "those" topics that often comes up in churches and Christian circles. Many of the contemporary Christian music artists write about it, and some real circumstances usually inspire the songs.
My ears seem more attuned now to hear the stories and the intent behind the words of these songs and sermons. It can very easily turn into a "I suffered more than you did" sort of thing. Not many of us could say we suffered more than Job!
And that is just what our pastor has chosen as his topic for the summer sermon series...
I have already learned that suffering is a relative thing. One person struggles through unemployment. Another struggles with singleness. Still another has health challenges that seem to go on and on whether or not the doctors can help. Life brings with it so much potential for pain and loss. And few of us are exempt.
A few weeks ago, my friend and I got together. We adopted our kids within 6 months of each other and have walked through this path together. Our kids also bonded at the first meeting. The older child in her family is the same age as my daughter. There were some unhealthy, slightly creepy things between her son and my older daughter. We are relieved that is behind us, because the three children do really well together.
Anyway, my friend and I were sipping tea and she told me about the person she met for lunch. This person started talking about how she had no problem getting pregnant (with her first, due in a few months) and she feels so sorry for people who can't get pregnant. Meanwhile, here is my friend who has been unable to conceive and has chosen adoption to have a family.
She and I share this: the pain of the loss of a birth child is not erased by the arrival of an adoptive child. There are so many issues and struggles in adoption that certainly absorb all the energy I could imagine having, but it doesn't somehow stop us feeling the loss that we could not have a baby.
In the midst of our conversation, we talked about people who don't seem aware in any way of the pain of others. It is very hard to extend grace to someone who seems completely clueless about how hurtful s/he is being.
I have to say, my tolerance for this sort of situation has all but disappeared since my husband's death. If I am not emotionally safe, I no longer feel the need to continue in the situation. If someone is rude, cruel, overly anxious or clueless, I get away from them. Full stop.
I have already told my friend this, and I told her so again. But it also made me ponder how we ask others to consider our painful places.
On the outside, I look fine. On the inside, I am starting to feel a whole lot less raw. But I'm grieving. It doesn't take a lot to get me sensitive, jumpy or socially tired. At times, I feel almost guilty to need to slink away before I get too strung out. But I can't risk getting there. It would be embarrassing for one thing, but it would also be a vulnerability I'm not willing to share with many people.
One thing my friend said which I found warming, was how I bring JOY to her, despite all I've been through. I felt very grateful to God that she feels that way. There's no chance I could be that way on my own without Him. The Bible says that the joy of the Lord is my strength. That's certainly the only joy I can cling to at this point.
Then there's another friend, who has walked through some very dark times with me, but seems to be completely oblivious to me now. It's like she doesn't even imagine that I might be tired or emotional or upset. My birthday was a classic example. I'm still irritated about that. I felt like, even after I spelled it out for her ("this is a really tough time of year with my birthday and Christmas coming up") that she just didn't get it. Almost as if she said "why?" in response when she should know better than most people.
All this to say PAY ATTENTION PEOPLE!!
That person you are irritated with or impatient about may be really hurting. They could be going through something awful. I am preaching to myself here too because I'm just as inclined as you are to mutter "idiot" when someone cuts in front of me on the highway.
Face value is never the full picture. You know that for yourself, so don't assume it applies to everyone else. There is always another story.
Suffering is different for everyone. As much as it's hard for me to relate to the concerns of someone who has children, a living spouse and both parents, they may be struggling in some other area that doesn't affect me.
I can't understand intimately what someone else is going through. However, my concern is that I am real, honest and true to myself about what I can manage. I may look fine, but I'm deeply wounded. That won't be better overnight, but it is gradually healing. Gradually I am gaining strength.
That joy lark can't be all wrong! I am reflecting the truth of the King.
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