Love that never fails

This has been floating around Facebook lately.

"You might think you love someone until you see the way they act when they're out of money or under pressure or hungry.... Love is something different. Love is choosing to serve someone and be with someone in spite of their filthy heart. Love is patient and kind, love is deliberate. Love is hard. Love is pain and sacrifice, it's seeing the darkness in another person and defying the impulse to jump ship."

It sounds really good to those of us who are against divorce and who are intensely loyal. But, now, as a parent with a failed adoption (we can call it an adoption breakdown, but that's NOT how it feels), I see this in a totally different light. When loving someone who is abusive or destructive, or self-destructive, what does this kind of deliberate, hard, painful and sacrificial love look like? What is jumping ship like? The two do not need to be mutually exclusive.

Sometimes love means having to let go.
Sometimes love means having to love from a distance.
Sometimes love means admitting that the other person doesn't love us enough to keep us safe, and we can't trust him or her enough to allow him or her access to us.

We know that God's love never fails, but that doesn't preclude him from letting us exercise our right to make stupid decisions and engage in reckless behaviour.

I know many adoptive parents who are living the struggle every day to love their damaged kids and to help them on their journey to healing. The commitment of some of these people is amazing and awe-inspiring. But, I also know that the heartache and emotional toll is significant. I know that these people aren't superhuman and unlimited. They are exhausted. They feel discouraged a lot of the time because it seems like progress is so slow and so hard to see.

God never tires, never sleeps, is never worn out. But that is because of Who He Is. I am finite and He is not. Yet He still allows me to be an idiot lots of the time.

I learned from an adoption breakdown that I need something back from my children. I need them to love me, and to want to be in relationship with me. I am not in it just so they can be safe, secure and so they can learn as much as they are willing to learn from me.

I am a parent because I want an exchange. I want the love of a child, and I want to contribute to her life. I want her to know Who she is and I want her to be part of my family. It is a reciprocal thing.

Daniel Hughes talks about this in his latest research, Brain-Based Parenting. When I read these books, I feel like there is an insurmountable and overwhelming challenge before me as an adoptive parent. How can I be such a resilient, strong and loving person as this task requires me to be? I lose my temper, I lose my patience, and I need response. I need her to be my daughter as much as she needs me to be her mum.

Love that never fails is not possible. All we can really do is our best. We should not throw people away. We should be wholly committed to relationships with mutual trust, respect and fellowship.

Relationships that do NOT contain these ingredients may not have the necessary enduring power. As far as it depends on me, I will live at peace with others. However, I will not knowingly and deliberately put myself in the path of destruction. I will choose life, even if means removing a destructive person from it.