On loyalty

I have loyalty issues. Like a dog with a bone, I hang on to things long after I should have let go (in hindsight). Just recently, I was asked if I was interested in attending a membership information evening for the church we've been attending since last year. Although the information was presented to me very kindly and gently, it sent me into a bit of a tizzy while I thought it through.

I've been at this church because I needed to heal, I needed a fresh start in a place where everyone didn't know my full story (unless I chose to tell them) and where I could be a little less committed and a lot more fragile. It has never been my intention to become a member of this new church, and I said as much when I first arrived. I have not rescinded my membership from the church I attended with my husband since 2001, although the longer I am away, the more I realize that I can't go back.

Loyalty is a funny thing. Pumped full of guilt, I have dragged my heels through things I wish I didn't have to out of loyalty or duty. Perhaps there is satisfaction in having carried out one's word or fulfilled commitments. However, at times I have gone through that point and on to feelings of resentment. Even worse is the addition of "Christian guilt" that says things such as "serving as unto the Lord" and "be willing to do what needs to be done so that He can take you on to new things". In actual fact I have found myself stereotyped (as the one who will do things well, organize things effectively or take charge so others don't have to). And along with that, I have felt resentful. Resentment is hardly the way to feel like you're in God's will, pleasing Him and doing what will lead you on in Him.

As God was speaking to me about the Mantle of Freedom, He also spoke to me of being free from worrying about potlucks and AGMs (even the terminology "potluck" creates issues in some circles who worry about using the word "luck"). God said to me in no uncertain terms that it all means nothing to him - none of that stuff matters. But meetings, decision making, power politics are all part of organized religion and churches today. I am glad to help where I can, and practical things are definitely not "beneath" me.

So where does loyalty come into play? My loyalty is to the Lord. No surprise there, but what does it look like with feet on? What does it mean?

That is just what I am going to be learning, as I very self-consciously avoid making commitments and promises. I need to be released from excessive loyalty and to be free to be. Free just to be - wow!

The one thing I have realized is that I can still be committed and loyal within this freedom. I attend church regularly and tithe. I participate on the worship team (although there was some controversy because I am not a member - I think that's been ironed out now, and I'm more than willing to sign a declaration of faith or a doctrine statement or even be interviewed by the church leaders if they want to examine me in that way).

My main loyalty, now, must be to the Lord. More and more I must desire His Presence. I must not only desire, but work toward accessing Him. There is no progress in mere words. And, although someone must wash the communion cups and make decisions about how the church funds are spent, that is not my only function in the body.

I was stereotyped, and excluded from operating in spiritual gifts. There is nothing wrong with exercising practical gifts, which I have. At the same time, I have spiritual gifts which should be allowed to flourish as much as my serving gifts. I am not a servant. I am a child of the King of Kings.

The next step, now that I am aware of these things, is to forgive. Forgiveness must come, and it must clear the way for me to move forward to the next place when it's time to emerge. I don't know where that will be but, for now, I am staying where I am.