I can't say I wasn't warned. There is a stage when healing is enough to make the person strong but not strong enough yet. It is always a tricky time in any recovery. There is such a temptation to go back to doing "everything" when, in actual fact, there is also the likelihood that too much will push progress back again, or do further damage.
We often talk, in Christian circles, about God's timing being perfect, waiting for Him etc. Truly, HE speaks of this too in His word. I find it hard to know the difference between "moving too slowly" and "pushing too hard". A while ago, God cautioned me that I would feel like I was ready to move forward before I actually was.
Part of the impatience comes with comparison. Someone else widowed just before I was has already remarried (although this is statistically what happens with many men). My husband often reminded me that comparison never benefits anyone. Inevitably it leads to discontentment or false feelings of superiority. In either case, the result is not what God wants for us, and adds unnecessary strife to our lives. Envy and jealousy and covetousness are hardly things I want to add to my life.
In moments of longing (for the many things I've lost, and things I wish I had), there is such a temptation to try to fill that empty hole. Common sense tells me that there is nothing that will truly satisfy. I can't go back. Opening the longing to the Lord is a much better alternative to finding something to temporarily plug the hole. But that in itself is not easy.
The presence of the Lord in the midst of loneliness is such a challenge. Who wants to stay in the place of loneliness? It is hardly appealing. But the effort to go out and make new friends, or try connecting to a new social group is so significant I don't know how I can do it.
I end up trying to move forward when I have the emotional energy, and allowing myself to rest when I don't. The niggling fear that I am regressing doesn't come when I'm feeling at peace, so that tells me something right there.
There is such a need for self-awareness at every stage of grief - more than I've needed in other aspects of my life. I have to anticipate my energy level so that I can make plans for the times when it is low. There are few safe places where I can be tearful or fragile.
Yet God tells me not to be defensive. I must allow Him to protect me.
This is a difficult phase, although it's certainly not as hard as the initial shock of my husband's death and all the trauma I experienced at that time. I am recovering, and there is a sense of accomplishment in that. Truly, I would never choose this path, and I am grateful that I know the Lord within it or I should surely be insane.
My pace is slow, but the Lord is faithful. He walks with me by the still waters in the green pastures, comforting and providing for me each step of the way.
Comments
Post a Comment