Mantle of Freedom

Constantly there are hurdles: anniversaries, special dates, occasions, contact with people I haven't seen in a long time. A few months ago, I bumped into someone I knew from church. I hadn't seen him in a long time, and it struck me that he may not know.... and he didn't.

So, there in the dairy section, I told him that my husband had died. And, in his shock, he wanted to know how, why this could have happened to someone he knew and liked. And, I had no answers of course. I wasn't about to tell this guy all the details - depression, suicide is a heavy burden for anyone to bear.

Two weeks ago was the second anniversary of my husband's death. Last year, on the first anniversary, there was a huge backwash of emotion and trauma that came along with it as I re-lived all the events. Each moment seemed to bring some new reminder of things unimaginable. But this year was completely different.

For one thing, we escaped. We went away on a holiday - my mother and my daughter and I. For another, it wasn't as bad as last year. I had a few moments of "grief hijack", but otherwise I was pretty calm.

And now it's year three without him.

A while ago, I wrote a post about the change in years. This is the year of new beginnings. This is the year to establish in preparation to emerge and expand. This is a year when I start living my life again, even in small ways. At the same time, I am still grieving. God has given me a three year window to fully grieve it all and to move through each piece.

A few weeks ago, I was struggling with going away on this holiday. There were so many reasons: am I escaping? am I running away from the time of year? My husband would never have done this (gone on the trip, spent the money), I shouldn't be spending the money on it, I shouldn't be going. It's extravagant. I need to be careful with my finances now.

When we were there, I had such a sense of freedom. Maybe I did escape for a while. There weren't any memories of my husband there. He had never been to this place before and I felt that it was a step of emerging: I was enjoying what we were doing, I wasn't building on a memory from the past, and it felt good.

And, at the same time, it was That Time of the Year, which was weird.

There is such a different "feel" to this stage I'm in. I've gone over a hurdle. The deep, piercing pain of grief is still there, but it's not as heavy. I still feel the emotion building up in me but it's not as frequent. I still feel shocked and overwhelmed, but I know what to do when it happens. My anxiety level rolls in waves instead of being a constant level.

And God says: I have placed a Mantle of Freedom on your shoulders. Wear the mantle I have given you; it is there for a reason. It is time for you to enjoy my Presence and to be free from the stigma of your husband's death and your daughter's refusal to be parented by you. Your time of grief must now move into a new place. You are still grieving and working through your experiences. You will still be triggered by events and senses that remind you of your traumatic experiences.

The next two years are a new phase for you and you may feel impatient at times. Recognize that. But now, today, see all that I would say to you.

I bestow on you a Mantle of Freedom to usher you into a new phase of life. You are gradually healing and making progress. This is a process not an instantaneous thing. I can't replace a body part and send you on your way. You don't heal that way in grief. You have been completely changed by your loss, and you are being completely re-made.

But take the Mantle of Freedom to loose the need to feel apologetic or awkward about yourself and your choices. Be Free from the need to take responsibility for everything and everyone else. Be Free from trying to win (or worry about winning) approval of others. No one matters more than Me and I AM pleased with you, proud of you.

You will never forget. Ever. Your husband's life and his death shape you and colour you for ever. But I will have you free and not afraid to trust again or love another without fear of his death.

My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When can I go and meet with God?
My tears have been my food day and night...
These things I remember as I pour out my soul: how I used to go with the multitude, leading the procession to the house of God, with shouts of joy and thanksgiving among the festive throng.
Why are you so downcast, O my soul? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Saviour and my God. Ps 42:2-5 (NIV translation)

Ps 42:1-2 in the Passion translation
I long to drink of you, O God, drinking deeply from the streams of pleasure which flow from your presence.
My longings overwhelm me for more of you Lord. My soul thirsts, pants and longs for the living God. I want to come and see the face of God.