Dr Brene Brown is a Texan social work researcher who became famous because of her TedX talk about shame and vulnerability. She has researched shame and self-esteem in both women and men, and found that (unsurprisingly) we experience shame in a different way. She asks how we can be wholehearted in our lives and engage in a vulnerable and authentic way.
What she has found (and there are many things, so please read her books) is that we cannot engage openly and in a vulnerable way unless we feel worthy to do so. "Vulnerability is... the cradle of the emotions and experiences we crave.. the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy and creativity." (Daring Greatly, p 34).
As someone who has experienced tremendous loss and trauma, vulnerability is almost like currency. It's impossible to avoid, because I am confronted with my own brokenness in every possible place I go. Ironically, people reject vulnerability in themselves, but see it as COURAGE in others. (p 43).
"A sense of worthiness inspires us to be vulnerable, share openly and persevere. Shame keeps us small, resentful and afraid. In shame-prone cultures where parents, leaders and administrators consciously or unconsciously encourage people to connect their self-worth to what they produce, I see disengagement, blame, gossip, stagnation, favoritism and a total dearth of creativity and innovation." (p 65).Shame tells you that you are bad, unworthy to connect to others, unworthy to belong.
Guilt tells you that you did something bad. Perhaps your behaviour didn't match up to your values, or perhaps it's more vague than that.
Humiliation is the behaviour of someone else that brings shame upon us.
Dr Brown suggests we develop shame resilience: recognize shame in ourselves and what triggers it; reality check expectations of self and others; reach out to others in the moment(s) of shame; talk about the feelings of shame with others; ask for what you need, bearing in mind that the brain has gone into a fight or flight mode and is not capable of rational thought in the moment of shame.
In our society, we often use shields to mask or hide from shame. This is supposed to make us feel better, but actually doesn't work. Some examples are a sense of foreboding, perfectionism, numbing (keeping busy, addictions), detach and suppress emotion, let it all hang out (too much information at an inappropriate moment).
The upshot is that we can feel we are never enough, never good enough, never going to be any better.
And Jesus died for all of that stuff.
As I read, I thought of the pattern of thought (if you can call it that) which leads up to suicide. It will never get better, nothing will ever change is a belief of a depressed person. But then it moves into something far worse: there is No Way Out and I must get out at any cost.
Shame is a dark secret that hides and follows us constantly. Guilt is a weight that sits upon us. Both are intended to stifle us and to lead us to a dark place. That is the campaign of the enemy. That is what he is all about. Think about the garden and the moment when God came looking for Adam and Eve. They hid in shame. They covered themselves. This was the result of their sin, but it was not God's plan for them.
But Jesus doesn't inflict these things on us. He doesn't allow us to be tortured. It says that we will never be tempted beyond what we can bear - there will always be a way out (even though it may not be the easy way out).
Suicide brings shame to the family left behind. We are left to wade through all the unanswered questions that can never be resolved. We could never say goodbye. We could never negotiate and try to help. I am so afraid that I should have done something to help and didn't. I never wanted my husband to die. That he did is horrifying. That I feel I must take the blame is even worse.
The Psalms say:
I sought the Lord and He answered me; he delivered me from all my fears.
Those who look to Him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame.
This poor man called, and the Lord heard him; He saved him from all his troubles.
The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear Him, and He delivers them. (Psalm 34:4-7)
God says:
I took it all and it was nailed to the cross. Killed but still in the world.
I AM your Redeemer - I buy you back.
I cover you so you are not exposed. I remove the humiliation and disgrace.
I pour out my grace in humility. See how I work in opposites?
The enemy creates counterfeits of all I AM, but he can never win or fashion for himself what I do without trying.
No weapon formed against you will prevail. (Isaiah 54:17)
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