I mentioned my cat in a previous post. She came to us very skittish and nervous. She hid in the rafters of my basement for 5 weeks. When she did eventually come out of hiding, it was tentative and cautious for quite a long time. Even now, over a year later, she is still wary of being picked up, doesn't like sitting on laps (which annoys me because I like a cat to sit on me), and really wants to do things on her own terms. Otherwise, she has become very affectionate and social. She is also quite chatty!
Same for me.
As the clouds of intense grief are parting, I am starting to see that my old identity isn't working any more. I realized that I was actually trying to go back to the place I was before I was married, and feeling sorry that I am 20 years older, and not in the place I was. It makes me feel old, and like life has ended for me. But that's not true.
I am in an awkward place where I have been completely stripped down to the foundations, even to the point of rebuilding those. Yet, I am not ready to launch and build something new. Who I am is still unsettled and hasn't fully gelled. I don't feel comfortable in my skin now. There is the uncertainty that I had not felt in a long time (probably since my husband and I were together). Being single is a whole new and different identity.
I know some women find this empowering. I am not in that place, at least not yet. Maybe I will get there. I was already a pretty self-sufficient person who was choosing to be interdependent. I can get a lot done. I can be content on my own and with my own company. But it's not how I want to live my life. I am daily grateful for the gift of my daughter. She gives me a reason to get out of bed in the morning.
Where will I end up? What will happen next? I have the sense of preparation to emerge.
The life I have lived will always be part of who I am now. I have to accept that I will incorporate my experiences into the Now. I will not forget my husband or what we had. I will never stop being grateful that he was my husband, even though he has broken my heart and left me in such tragic circumstances. Things that happened cannot be repaired, but I will accept that as reality one day.
I think of some inspirational people, like Joni Eareckson Tada or Terry Fox, who lost everything and yet went on to become far more than they could have been had they not experienced tremendous loss. (Arguably, we can never know what they would have been if their lives had not gone in the direction they did). Those people have had incredible impact - not only on those who know them personally - but on those who have heard their stories, or been touched by their legacy.
What I have been through I want to count for something eternal. I want God to show His great redemption through this tremendous heartbreak. I want my testimony, even now as I struggle in the midst of it all, to be strong, to be powerful and to create yearning for the presence of the Lord.
My identity will emerge. I will be redeemed daily. I will be renewed. God will be glorified, even if I don't recognize it in the middle of the everyday. God, may I see it in the land of the living and then rejoice in it, in heaven, with my dear husband.
Oh, and one more thing: I found out my cat has a secret. I came home from work for lunch today and found her sitting on my daughter's bed, looking a bit guilty. Suddenly I see her "owning" her space, confident that this is her home and she is our cat (or we are her people - however you interpret that). She has her moments of hiding up in the rafters, but for the most part she is gradually forming a personality of her own. It's a joy to watch. I hope to be like that too, in time.
Comments
Post a Comment