Ready for change

I hate change. I really do hate it. I know I am not alone, but there are some who really love change and embrace it with enthusiasm. Maybe those people haven't had a spouse die or an adoption breakdown. In any case, I have experienced such tumultuous change in the last three years that I'm amazed at myself. Somehow I have survived.

So, maybe I am learning to live with change. I have to say, I will never like it. But I have to accept that change will happen.

I am very hopeful that I will not have to experience another major change like I've had recently for a very long while. I know it is fully out of my control and that things always do happen in life, but .... you know what I mean....

So when I was actually looking to embrace new things in my job and looking for new projects for my daughter, and thinking about changes in my home it struck me: I'm more ready to look for change than I thought.

Ironically, just as I was running full-tilt into planning some new projects, I turned on my heel and stopped. I was going too fast. I'm not ready for this. I can do a little, but not the whole hog. I need to slow it down and take it at my new speed.

In my mind, I could see that too much change was going to send me off balance and into an emotionally insecure place.

I am ready for change, but I can't handle too much. So, at this stage, what do I do? Here is where it's hard to know. What is best for me? What would be the best next step?

To be honest, I think this is part of transition. I want to feel like there is something to look forward to. I want to feel more settled in my life again (even though it is not the life I chose, not what I wanted. Ever). However, I do want to own my life again, feel like there is something in it that really satisfies me, even as I long for what could have been, should have been and never will be.

Change is part and parcel of grief. Every single stage of grief is a stage of change and embracing change. You can only process through grief by allowing change to take place. Perhaps it is that process which has expanded my capacity and enlarged my tent so I can allow change in more readily?

I don't know, but I do know that if I can walk toward change without feeling the need to run and hide, that is a good thing.