I have realized recently that I am learning new things from hard lessons and tragic circumstances. I know that's a real revelation! However, it's also surprising to me the sort of things I'm learning. I never even thought I needed to learn these things. Here they are anyway, and perhaps God knew I could learn these things as a sidebar benefit to all that I'm struggling through. (Note: never would I ever say that I will be thankful for the circumstances, but I can be thankful that God can use circumstances for my good).
1. Judgement of others: I have always been plagued by a deep need to be thought well of, for my good intentions to be understood and accepted, for people around me to give me some space. That has been a challenge in some quarters in the last few years. People I thought might be able to help, have actually been the opposite (without realizing or intending to be obstructive). I have been in positions where others have thought badly of me, taken my behaviour completely the wrong way or not understood all the underlying reasons. It has been very difficult for me to accept this. In actual fact, I am constantly aware of it and struggling with it at times. But I am in a position where I cannot be at peace with everyone, and have to live with that (as far as it depends on me, I am trying to live at peace with others, but it is not possible everywhere).
2. Saying no, without guilt: I have had to say no to a lot of things recently. It's really hard. I'm actually a lot better at saying no to people than to events and expectations. I am invited to a wedding of a family member. It is a long way away and I'm worried about being so far from home at a difficult time of year (between my birthday and Christmas) at the end of a very busy period at work. I already know that I am depleted and emotional at that time of year, at the best of times. I probably should say no.
Just recently a job was advertised at the company where I work. I was really interested in it, but then realised it would be just a bit too much change for me. I'm not quite ready yet. Even though the job sounds really interesting and I would love to give it a shot (if I was offered it) from a professional perspective, it would take a toll on me personally.
I am having to contain my thoughts more and more, curbing anxiety and giving no room in my mind for thoughts to turn into something more.
3. Living in Now: I am actually getting better at this. It's never been my strong suit. My husband was much better at this than me, and I am grateful that I am more able to do it now that he is not here to keep me centred on what is before me. It is my hope that I will be able to find those moments more and more to just experience joy in living. Tonight, for example, my daughter came with me for a walk (which is very unusual for her, as she generally hates walking) and we just enjoyed each other's company, the warm evening and a bit of down time.
Someone at work came up to me today and said how she liked the energy I was giving off today. She said I looked really vibrant and full of life, and it was good to see. You know what? It was good to hear too, because I have not felt vibrant and full of life for a long while. It's like I've had the life sucked out of me for several years running, and now there is not much more than an empty skin shell left.
I am learning stuff.
4. Being honest with myself and acting accordingly: I can't do everything. There's a limit to my energy, my interest and my willingness to be involved, engaged and available. I need to restrict the number of activities I commit my daughter to, as it has an impact on me as well. I need to weigh the emotional impact of something against the feeling of necessity connected to it (see 2). Today, I chose to bring home some work because I knew that the stress of having it incomplete next week far outweighed the boundary of not working at home in the evenings. In fact, I got it done quickly here, because there were fewer interruptions. Yay! Now it's done, and I'm feeling that relief. I have decision-fatigue. I want someone else to make the decisions. That's when I allow the Holy Spirit to give me the resource I need for that decision in that moment. Sometimes I allow my daughter to make the decision. Sometimes I need to consult with a trusted friend. Sometimes I need to sleep on it, but still the decision is mine.
5. Embrace: I have no choice. This is my life. I can fight it (which I do from time to time) or I can accept it. At times, I know that I must embrace it, surrender to the moment and allow God to have His way in the midst of it. This is when the creative Holy Spirit ideas come from (lately, I've even had ideas for what to wear to work come into my mind, and that's when I'm having trouble making a decision or coming up with an idea).
What are you learning as you go through your situation? God continues to show me His faithfulness in my life, so I know He will do the same for you.
Comments
Post a Comment