Ps 16:6 The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance.
Today I am feeling anxious and stressed. I know why, and I'm praying through it, but still the lump is in my throat, the butterflies are in my stomach and tension in my shoulders. I'm fighting the self-pity ("why Lord? why do I have to go through all this? why can't I get a break? How can I fight when I'm completely depleted, broken and overwhelmed? What will it take to finally be the last straw? I can't Lord. I just can't.").
Psalm 16 has been a significant passage in my life since 1992, sitting on a beach in northern Queensland, Australia. It jumped out at me. I have gone back to those verses many times, holding on to them and speaking them out. Surely I have a delightful inheritance. God will not abandon me to the grave. There is joy in His presence. I set the Lord before me and I shall not be shaken.
Today, as I was whimpering and pouring out my prayer to the Lord, I heard Him whisper: set the boundary. Put the boundary down. The boundaries fall into place, and in other areas you have to set them. Some things are obvious and others need attention and firm support.
I AM strong enough.
I AM able to hold you up with my everlasting arms (that means they are always there and always will be - no matter what), cover you with my feathers, shield you with my faithfulness and uphold you with my righteous right hand.
There is NO place that I AM not.
I am learning that the rise of anxiety and emotion often shows the areas that are just too hard, too far and too much. However, still I must push through that barrier every time. It's a reverse boundary - it looks like it should be farther than I need to go, but it isn't. And I have to really push hard to get there. Then, looking back, I see how God has gently carried me. I know He will do that this time. I am a wreck.
I don't have a clue how to see suffering and struggle as a blessing. I know it says in James 1 to "count it all joy when you suffer trials of many kinds". I hope no one quotes that verse to me (unless they themselves have gone through a deep grief or loss) because I will probably be rude in response.
It can only be through the grace of God that I keep getting up in the morning, keep running this race, throwing off the thoughts and and actions and sins that hinder and entangle me. It can only be through the grace of God that I stand a chance of success.
Deep inside, there is a tremendous fear that I will lose even more (there isn't much left, so I am protective of it): my daughter, my mother, my job, my home.
So much has been damaged by the double loss of my husband and my older daughter. My reputation, my dreams of a home and family, my future plans and hopes are all changed.
I am still expecting people to grant me grace and show me mercy because I am still hurting and fragile. It angers me when people can't allow me a bit of leeway because I am emotionally crippled and hurting. But on the outside, I guess I look the same. People often say "you look good". Is that because they expect me to look terrible? Or is it because there is something positive in that, which I can't fail but be encouraged by. (Yes, of course, I am!).
So, a boundary for me is not just to keep people at a safe and manageable distance, and to make space for myself. It is also to contain thoughts that should not even be entertained, and to hold captive thoughts and feelings that are leading me in unhelpful directions. Keep the boundaries in pleasant places. Dwell on the beauty of the Lord.
He is good.
Comments
Post a Comment