I just went to the dentist this morning and had my bi-annual cleaning. The hygienist is very gentle, but she is still using sharp metal instruments to scrape guck and goo off my teeth. There is no comfortable way to do that. And, although it's a painful hour, and although my gums hurt a while afterward, there is the long-term benefit and the short-term feeling of lovely clean teeth.
Right now, I am in the uncomfortable limbo. I am waiting for the adoption papers to be filed with the Family Court and the Children's Aid to set a court date to legally finalize my daughter's adoption. It has been months since we signed (and my older daughter didn't sign). In that time, there has been a lot of silence, punctuated by unpleasant conversations that feel more like pressure and demand for me to do something I can't: supervise visits between the sisters.
The main issue of adoption is resolved: I have declared my intent to adopt this child. I have a strong bond with her, and I am committed to parenting her. She has consented to me adopting her, and as I've said before, she has adopted me. She feels safe and secure in my home. She may not love me, but she is sure with me and that is enough for her. That is what she needs. She can trust me to look after her and meet her needs.
However, the issue of the sisters remains unresolved. I do not know what is needed to resolve it, but I know that there is no more within me that I can give to the situation. I cannot send my daughter into an unsupervised visit with her sister. I know that, without guidance and help, their relationship will quickly degenerate into the default mode of relating. It is unhealthy unless they are taught how to be healthy with one another. That will take time.
I am hopeful that, in time, they will learn how to be friends and how to have a relationship that will last. I hope that they can sustain the connection themselves without the need for supervision or guidance. However, until my daughter is old enough to know her power and to know herself an equal with her older sister, I don't want to leave her unprotected.
In all of this, I seem to come across as the Obstructive One or the Bad Guy, who doesn't want to allow my daughter access to her sister. That isn't true. I am trying to parent, and I take my responsibility to keep my daughter safe very seriously. That is the way she understands my love. That is the way I show it to her.
However, I am not the parent of my older daughter any longer. The Children's Aid workers and staff need to make the parenting decisions as to what is best for her, but they also need to allow me to make the parenting decisions about my younger daughter.
I do not understand how this can be resolved, and the turmoil is significant when I have low tolerance for turmoil. I am trying to forgive an institution for implementing policies, and ministry directives (even when they don't make sense applied to people). I feel angry toward them, but I can't hold that bitterness in my heart. It is toxic.
I also dislike being considered the one who is obstructing what seems otherwise to be a simple solution. I want to defend myself. I want to fight. This is incredibly uncomfortable. I want it to be over and the adoption to be finalized.
Unless the Lord builds the house, the builders labor in vain.
Unless the Lord watches over the city, the guards stand watch in vain.
In vain you rise early and stay up late,
toiling for food to eat—for he grants sleep to[a] those he loves.
Children are a heritage from the Lord, offspring a reward from him.
Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are children born in one’s youth.
Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them.
They will not be put to shame when they contend with their opponents in court.
Psalm 127
Oh.
The wait is uncomfortable, but I AM at work. The wait may seem long, and it probably is, but I will not fail. Your daughter is mine. Your life is mine. You belong to me and I belong to you. There is no end to my provision. There is no place I cannot save out of. There is no end to my redemption and creation. There is much newness to come.
Behold and be at rest. I will remove the burden from your shoulders and free your hands from the basket (Psalm 81:7). Let it go and let me be in control.
There is a wait for all good things, but this wait comes with a great weight that will never go away unless you release it. Imagine yourself actually holding the weight ON your own back. If you let it go, it will fall off. You have been afraid to let it fall off because you think you're the only one that will keep it going.
You are afraid of losing the one thing you have left. You lost your husband. You lost a daughter. You have a daughter. She is going to stay. You don't have to hold on to her.
Oh Lord, forgive me. I have been through so much, but you have walked with me the whole way. You are still walking with me. Thank you Lord.
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