Running toward the wall

I've been seeing a few posts on Facebook about Father's Day urging widows to prepare for it. Am I in denial? I don't feel worried. I was like this with my anniversary in May as well. I marked it, but it wasn't an emotional ambush. I can certainly rationalize why that might be until the cows come home, but really it's one of those unexplicable things.

Why does one event come with a massive pile of anxious anticipation, when others don't seem to register on the emotional Richter Scale? I do not know.

Or, am I just running toward the wall, which I will eventually hit?

Last Saturday, I hit the wall and it came as such a surprise to me. One day feeling fine, the next, tears were constantly streaming out of my eyes, I was dragging myself through everything. It was like a monkey had hopped on my back.

Yesterday morning I realized the date. Friday was the 15 month anniversary of my husband's death and I was so busy that day I didn't stop to remember. So my body, which always remembers, did it for me.

Last night, I realized that I hadn't journalled in a few days. I also realized that, since I started using an old journal of my husband's, I've had trouble picking it up and writing in it. It's hard to explain, but it feels like unfinished, undone work on his part. This was his journal that he was supposed to use. I gave it to him to use and he didn't.

But I was discussing it with my counsellor, and she saw it in a different light: this is a Resurrection Journal. It is a prophetic gift. I gave it to him, but he has saved it for me. And I need to keep taking it back each time I write in it. There are many other things that I need to do this with.

Each time I hit the wall, I am reminded that I am not superhuman (why am I the only person that doesn't realize that about myself?). And God spoke to me very clearly: Allow yourself the space you require.

He did not use the word "need", He used the word "require" for a reason. I require space. It is a demand not a request. As I keep hitting the wall, I hope eventually I will understand the need, no the requirement, for space, silence, for regrouping time.

Why is this so hard? Why do I/we have to run toward the wall all the time, hit it, recover, get up and start running again then do it all over? It's probably easy to say "human nature", but it's aggravating to know and realize "oh, I'm doing it again".

I just read Ann Voskamp's post today detailing a moment in which she Lost It with one of her children (see June 10, 2013 at www.aholyexperience.com). I have been there, and I related so much to her unravelled emotions which then quickly turned into mushy guilt and shame. How quickly the enemy turns things into another reason to accuse and try to knock the stuffing out of us.

Here we are, running along with our arms full of packages, our backs weighed down with backpacks full of stuff, several hats on our heads and dragged things with our legs, attached by ropes. Somehow, we are supposed to keep going while the enemy sits on the sidelines and shouts at us.

But Jesus.

Stop and think. What does He say about all this? I know where the guilt and shame comes from and it's not from Him.

Today I read about Solomon starting to build the great temple in Jerusalem. David desired to do this thing, but it was not his burden to carry. He unified the nation, conquered and fought many battles with the Philistines, nearly lost his life and his reputation many times. But it was not his to create and build the great house for the glory of God.

David was running, but he had to hand over the baton at some point. He knew when that point was reached and, somehow, he was able to do it. That is what I need to do too. I'm not good at it. In fact, I'm really not good at it.

Maybe hitting the wall is the only way to slow me down?

Keep on running the race, with perseverance, it says in Hebrews 12. That verse is engraved inside my wedding band that is around my finger. I'm wearing my husband's ring with the same engraving on my right hand. I have double the reminder: keep running, fix my eyes on Jesus, knowing that HE is the Author and Perfecter of my faith, HE sets joy before me, HE sits on the throne and a great cloud of witnesses are surrounding me despite the voices that crowd out the truth at times.