It's my daughter's birthday and we had a party for her on the weekend. It was a lot of fun, and I reflected that I was feeling happy, contented, not traumatized. It is such a weird feeling of holding the grief at all times, aware of it, but not surfacing it.
Then there's the moment when my breath leaves me because I remember that this is her SECOND birthday without a daddy (or at least THIS daddy). Oh, and her sister isn't here - which is a relief, but also a loss. And the vacant feeling returns. I stuff it back down, eager to stay with that lovely contentment I had the moment before.
I look at my wedding ring and have this sense of embarrassment, but I can't take it off. In fact, it literally won't come off now because it's hot and my fingers have swollen. Or maybe it's those extra pounds I've packed on in an attempt to comfort myself. However I look at it, it isn't moving...
So again I feel defeated. I'm not ready to move this far forward. I'm not there yet. Not by a long shot. Why is it taking so long, hurting so much for so long?
Anyone else might be able to understand, but I need to step out of myself to see it. Recovery cannot be scheduled. It cannot go quickly, it must not be rushed. The flip side is, it can't be brought to a halt either. Progress must happen, but it does seem slow. Wow, does it ever.
How many times do I catch myself thinking (often in the car) 'How did I get here? How did my life change so utterly?' There just isn't an answer to that one. Life keeps hurtling along, whether or not I'm on board.
I'm impatient to find my way, but what will that look like? What satisfaction will I find without my dear husband? He was not my everything, but his presence brought softness, colour and security to my life that is no longer part of it.
I feel like I say these things over and over again, but that is part of the process of acceptance.
Here are some things God said to me this week on this theme:
I know you will carry it always on earth, but your husband's death will not be your identity. The life you had together has shaped your identity and that will live on.
In time, you will live as a gift, not because you have to.
Do not poke and prod scars and wounds that take time to heal. Why open them and cause them to bleed? Companion yourself in your recovery. Be true to yourself and consistent to the place you are. Emotional safety is critical. You cannot be in an unsafe or threatening environment. You are too emotionally fragile to sustain any pressure. Assert your need for space. You don't have to be aggressive, just say what you need. If people don't respect that, it's critical they know your boundaries.
The people who seem insensitive and uncaring - keep them at arm's length. Let them go, and trust me to bring new people into your life.
You aren't on a conveyor belt. You have experienced a significant loss and you aren't on a timetable with milestones that need to be met. This is your life being rebuilt, restructured and redefined. I will make all things new - with new things. Gradually you will take them into your life. We don't need to rush the process. Let it unfold.
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