Don't look for logic, because you won't find it

I saw a friend today I haven't seen in a couple of years. She moved overseas just before the girls came, and we keep in touch via email and Skype. I was talking to her about the experience of the last year and the inevitable legacy that suicide brings.

I told her about the processing of guilt, blame and responsibility. No one has ever blamed me, but other survivors of suicide have faced this. The reality that suicide is not caused by specific events is not universally known. Triggers are not causes.

We talked about regret, and she reflected that I cannot see any way I would have done anything differently given the chance. I deeply regret the outcome, but I don't see how I could have done anything more that could have changed. I desperately wish there would have been something, but I don't know what.

Then she said it: don't look for logic in your husband's choice, because it isn't there. Who is to say why some live with cancer for years, or overcome it, while others are diagnosed and dead within weeks. There is no logic there either.

There may not be logic in the choice to take the path to suicide, but there definitely is no logic to the path out of grief. How do we make sense of this? I will never know. But I will eventually accept that the unthinkable happened to my sweetie. I will reconcile myself to the unfathomable, and I will integrate this experience into my person.

And then, perhaps, I will launch out into a new direction for my life. This uncharted territory is very scary. I am not ready yet. For now, I need to be in the secure place, where routine and sameness are a comfort. Perhaps, in time, I will be ready to form new friendships, look for new contacts and venture into new places. Not now, not yet.

At the time the girls came, three of my close friends moved away. I felt bereft and out in the cold. Parenthood was a bumpy ride for me. My two good friends who remained are still here, and have stood by me through all the trials this loss has presented. However, seeing my friend today reminded me that I can still connect. I can still be valued and value.

The gift of life is that it continues whether or not we are in it with enthusiasm. There isn't a lot of logic to the way things go. Things happen. Rain falls on the unjust and the just. God is faithful through it all. He never fails. It is through His faithfulness in the midst of illogical circumstances that we grow faith, grace and trust.

I will never say that there is a silver lining to this experience of widowhood, but if there is to be any point to it all, let it be growth. Let his death not be in vain. Let my grief not be wasted. Let all the pain be for something.

And let logic not really matter any more. Life is far more than just logic.