I often have music playing. I like it as a motivator to do housework (I am NOT a clean freak). But I recognize that music soothes, fills and connects to emotions. I also heard somewhere that one of the reasons music is such a potential minefield is that it was Lucifer's area in heaven before he was cast down. Satan knows how to use music.
But God invented it, and as we lift Him up, all will be drawn to Him.
Worship music has been my go-to soother in the last year. I'm just too unsettled in my spirit to listen to any angry music, or to watch movies that aren't funny, happy or brief. I can't do romantic comedies for the most part. They remind me of what I've lost sometimes and it can be just too painful. I can't concentrate or focus in order to read stories(incidentally, a few friends who are further on this journey of grief told me that my concentration and memory would return, and it has - I have once again started reading fiction). Interestingly, I was able to read non-fiction, especially books about areas of interest such as bereavement, suicide recovery and heaven.
So many songs have encouraged me over the years, and it's hard to "recommend" anything because we all have different tastes. However, I have posted the words and Youtube clip for a few key songs that have really spoken to me this past year. If you don't feel like flicking down to find that right now, you can look them up yourself: You Never Let Go (Matt Redman) has become my anthem and was the last song we sang at my husband's funeral; Never Once (also Matt Redman) has reminded me when I've forgotten that I will only have the ability to keep going through the Lord; Take Heart (Hillsong United) has blown me away time after time - I like Brian Johnson's version from Bethel Church in California, but the original is good too; Laid Death in Its Grave (John Mark McMillan) is awesome, but again I like the Bethel version best.
What kept me going the first months after my husband died was tuning in to the webcasts of the Bethel Church Sunday services. You can get a free subscription and, if you are equipped with an Apple product, there is an app - or there is the old-fashioned website link. I watched that every Sunday night as I was lying in bed.
Incidentally (sorry, this is a digression), my husband bought an iPod Touch soon after the girls came. I didn't see the need for it, and was a little discouraging, but he loved it, and I'm so glad he had it. What's more, I am so glad I can use it now. I have really enjoyed lying in bed listening to music or watching worship on Youtube.
Music ministers to the heart, so I see no reason to listen to anything that isn't ministering the Lord to me.
Now, don't get me wrong. I have a secular music collection, and my daughter and I often enjoy listening to Elton John or a Broadway musical. My husband, on the other hand, had been into heavy metal music as a teen, and he had purchased a few ACDC albums, Metallica, etc. Now, I don't know if they are actively "demonic", but I certainly got rid of them as soon as possible.
Also, incidentally, my daughter saved a few of the discarded CDs from the garbage and glued them on a box which we made into a bed for our cat. :-)
This week I have had some moments of real internal turmoil. My thoughts and feelings have turned inside out as I've reflected on things at work, how I parent and how I feel about myself in the world. Some old thoughts have returned, as my self-confidence seems to have left me.
I know where this comes from, and it's not from God! It is time to take everything that is not of God and bind its power over me. I need to be diligent in keeping my heart, vigilant in taking thoughts captive. Worship music helps me do that. It isn't a magic wand, but it contains truth, wisdom and light that you can almost take in liquid form and get it right into your bloodstream. It's sometimes easier to listen to music than to read the Bible (and there are times when it's too hard to concentrate, too painful to focus, and the Bible just can't be part of your daily routine - let yourself off the hook there).
A couple of my friends reminded me that my faithfulness and dutiful service to God are not requirements for His approval. At a time when I am crushed in spirit, weighed down by much grief and all hope seems lost, how can I punish myself for an inability to perform? I have to step back, because my expectations of myself are ridiculous.
If I did not have the ministry of worship music, there would be another creative outlet. Perhaps you are not a musical person. I have a friend who NEVER has music on. But she can probably focus in the silence more effectively than I can. My mind races in a million different directions unless it has something to focus upon.
Here are some other thoughts to direct your emotions, to comfort and ease you:
* a scrapbook of encouragement
* origami (my friend makes beautiful boxes and gives them to people - mine has promise Bible verses in it)
* knitting or crochet (I'm close to 40 pairs of knitted socks now, and it's an obsession)
* gardening
* walking outside in a quiet spot (or slow jogging)
* a park bench near a flower garden or a bird feeder
* a bird feeder by your window
* jigsaw puzzles (put those pieces back together)
My advice, for what it's worth, is to try different things and find out what fits your kinks best. I am inclined to rush myself along. Grief feels SO awful, who wants to live here for long, let alone the 2-5 years most people seem to predict for recovering from the death of a spouse.
Worship draws you to the Lord. Nature draws you to the Lord. Creativity draws you to the Lord.
At the same time, an activity that expresses your emotions in some way, is helpful. It may need to be physical (to get rid of that anger), it may need to generate endorphins, it may need to be slow and quiet to help bring the pace of your mind down. Whatever it is, it must work for YOU. It should not be important that another person value the activity.
So, in a sense, you could disregard this whole post! :-)
I would love to hear what strategies others have found that have helped them calm the inner storm, release the tension of emotion (and longing) that builds up, and express the deepest part of you that is no longer touched by the presence of your spouse.
Comments
Post a Comment