First of all, there was the thought of mowing regularly. Lawns can't be left, like driveways covered in snow can't be left. A weekly commitment of time when I'm already so overwhelmed seems nearly impossible.
Then the weeds started popping up again. I knew they were there, but there's always the vain hope that they will just magically disappear over the winter. No, if anything, they have returned with several friends each. Some of the weeds look more like vegetables or cacti. How on earth to get them out.
I am hesitant to use the old war horse cliche "the last straw", but there it was. My neighbour, who is very lawn-proud and retired, sighs heavily as he looks down the street. A friend, also retired, said merrily that I could just pull them and they wouldn't come back (tell that to the weeds). Another friend suggested she come over one evening so we can sit and paint the weeds one by one so they will definitely not return. Great idea, but is that really going to be the best use of my time? And will we really get through all the weeds in one evening of, say, 2 hours?
My husband and I would alternate between spending an hour or so with the various weed removal tools and leaving it until we couldn't stand it any more. We would make a whole pile of unwanted plant pests. Then, an hour later, the ones we missed seemed to be glaring at us in an incriminating manner. I like gardens and flowers. I'm just not all that good at it. Or, at least, I don't have/take the time to make them look like I wish they did.
I know I need to balance unrealistic expectations with what I can do. Yesterday, my neighbour said encouragingly, "Don't worry, you'll get there" (meaning with fixing up the grass). My response was somewhat caustic: "Yes, if I don't do anything inside the house, don't take my daughter anywhere, don't buy groceries and don't go to work." It's a matter of priority.
This morning, there was a spot of rain in the air, so I spent half an hour before work pulling some of the larger weeds out. But there are still so many more. Freshly mowed, it looks slightly better. Quickly, though, the weed heads pop up again and, in a day of pesticide bans, there isn't much that can be done aside from digging them out.
On Friday, a friend came over for an hour and helped me sort out a flower bed I hadn't gotten around to sprucing up after the winter. As she dug around, she found a grub, then another. Yesterday, as I dug about in the veggie patch (it's really small, before you think I'm crazy), I found a reddish brown grub.
So off to the hardware store, and back I come with a little pod of nematodes which have to be sprayed on in overcast conditions, during a rainy patch of weather. Today is supposed to be rainy, and for several days, so this is optimum nematode time. Now I'm watching the sky. It's threatening, but the sun is still peeking through from time to time. It's so humid you can SEE the air.
I was even late coming in to work so I could do this.
But my lawn is still as good as I think it's going to get. Now it looks like some green with patches of yellow and brown and lots of weeds. By the time we get to July, with heat and dry conditions, it will be mostly brown with lots of green weeds. They never seem to mind the dry, or the hard claggy soil, or even the constant traffic over them. They soldier on.
I'm not sure there is a silver lining in this. Lawns, like car maintenance, is the "final frontier" for me. I have no idea how to deal with it. Car maintenance, thankfully, tends to be one off issues less frequently. Except for October and November, when there were a whole list of things that needed fixing, it's a few times a year for oil changes and twice a year to have the tires swapped.
But lawns are at least 6 months of the year, depending on the season.
To be honest, it never bothered me as much when my husband was alive. He and I would go for a walk, and he would say somewhat defeatedly (see, aha! there it is again) "Our lawn is the worst on the street". However, we would try to keep it neatly mowed and would attack the weeds from time to time. Still, working full-time does mean you have to prioritize tasks.
Maybe lawns are inherently able to defeat home-owners. I don't know, but I do know it's one job I resent having to take on. I feel the expectations and pressure from the neighbour, although I also know that I will never ever have a lawn like his (and I'm not sure I really care that much).
I wish he was here to take care of the mowing for me, and to care about removing weeds from time to time.
I can do the finances, keep the house clean for the most part (that's not exactly a palace either) and keep my daughter going, but the lawn and the car are just that step too far.
Please don't tell me that "God will give me strength", because should it be my goal to be completely self-sufficient, needing no one, or to work 24/7 to keep everything as it was? I say no. At the same time, I don't want to come home to chaos inside and out. It makes me feel just as miserable and stressed as if I was trying to do it all.
I'm not exactly sure how to conclude this. It's more of a rant. I do know that there is an opening here for some kindness and practical help for those of us who really can't keep up because there's just too much.
What do you do when "good enough" just isn't?
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