A reflection on motherhood

On Sunday, my pastor asked me and a friend if we would share a few words about mothering - how we minister to our children, how we see our role as mothers, keys and insights, etc. My immediate knee-jerk reaction was NO WAY. (I said it more graciously than that, but basically, that was my response).

Mother's Day has been a trigger point for me for years! For 10 years it was the painful reminder that our bodies were not working as they should, and we were unable to conceive. We tried many different paths, but nothing resolved the problems. There was no miracle for us in the natural.

Then we were waiting to adopt, and there was the aching longing to mother, knowing that it was coming but it would be different than I had originally planned. I really had no idea! However, the waiting period is so tough - so much is unknown and so much is hanging in the balance. Of course, knowing what I know now tells me that waiting is important. Like with marriage, it's essential to have a good match to have any chance of success and even then there are no guarantees.

Two years ago, was my first Mother's Day as a mother. My younger daughter made a craft at school and she was delighted to hand it to me. My husband made me a card. So far, so good. But then the older daughter got started and it was a nightmare. She was a raging bull, angry and combatative (well, that was usual, but this day was particularly bad). My husband dealt with her for part of the evening, and it went on and on. It was absolutely horrible. I was traumatized for weeks. For him, it was another straw in a large bale of last straws.

My goal for that Mother's Day was survival. I had been with the children long enough to know that celebrating mothers was impossible when their birth mother had been a complete failure in every sense and - what's worse - didn't even seem to care or be able to change her ways enough to care for them adequately. I just wanted to get through the day on a even keel, with the minimum of conflict and fuss.

At the same time, my friend had announced to her family that she was going to have a weekend of pampering. She had had a really tough few months at work and was spent in every way. So, for two days her family cared for her. It was a sharp contrast to my reality, which was much harsher than merited by the occasion.

I realized then that I was taking the hit for all failed mothers in the lives of my older daughter. She was angry with lots of good reason. The anger seems to be endless and bottomless. She can and will fight with every fibre of her being until all her energy is spent. Looking at her, you can see how much damage a mother can do. And, there I am, called to be her mother and in the position of receiving but not carrying her anger and grief over the failure of others.

I have to say, I did not have the ability to contain this, and neither did my husband. Even now, I couldn't possibly contain that amount of anger. I have tremendous respect for those women who have the ability to stand and love children like her despite all the behaviour, words and acts that would push them away.

So, in many ways I look at my experience as a mother as a complete failure. For sure, it was not what I expected. Then, I have to stop myself because there is another.

My younger daughter, who is nearly 11, and has contentedly completed school art projects for mothers and given them to me with great joy, and asked if she could bring me breakfast in bed, is my place of delight. She ministers to my heart and brings blessing to my life.

On Friday, my friend came over and we talked about the year she declared Mother's Day an entire weekend, and I tried to survive just one day, with a flak jacket and helmet on, but it was still a train wreck. The contrast was stark. We laughed about it, because we have walked together through many things. We know that our paths of mothering are different. However, I must not forget that I have a daughter.

And, as we were talking, up comes my girl fresh from the shower, hair dripping wet down her back and flops into my lap with her arms around my neck. Her legs dangle down almost to the floor now. Soon she will be as tall as I am, and thankfully she is not too "cool" for a cuddle. It always feels like she is reassured of her safety and security when we cuddle like this.

My friend commented later how she is really intentional: she is making a firm statement that "You are my mummy" as she sits on me, or puts her arms around me or kisses me. She has identified me. In fact, she has adopted me. I am her mum, and she is my daughter. We are a family. God is good.

So, as soon as I got home from church yesterday, I was convicted. God has something for me to say about mothering. My story is not a endless sunshine story. I have struggled with Mother's Day for years. Yet, at the same time, a new thing is springing up in my heart. This child, who has been through every bit of what her older sister has, is young enough that she is not as damaged. She has the ability to survive this and to determine to thrive. Yes, her heart is hardened by anger. Yes, she has a lot of healing to do when she is old enough. Perhaps she will need to reconnect with her birth family and reconcile herself to the history she has. Or, perhaps she will help her sister to heal one day. But in any case, she has decided that she is going to make a go of this. We've lost just about everything this past year, and we have stuck together.

Adoption is a picture of the redemption we have in Jesus. We were born into sin, but we were taken out of that life into a new home, a new life, with a new family. God grafted us in to His family. In our new life, we are free to develop, to achieve our potential and to be whole. We always have the choice to be adopted into this family. My daughter has chosen adoption. My older daughter has chosen not to be adopted.

There are two verses that stuck out to me when I was considering this topic yesterday.

Isaiah 42:16
I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them.

1 Corinthians 15:58
Therefore my dear brothers [Mothers?? :-) ] stand firm, let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labour in the Lord is not in vain.