I wrote about this in my "roller coaster" post, but forgot. Having gone over both posts, I think there's enough different information that I can leave them both up.
About three weeks before the one year anniversary of my husband's death, I was having nearly constant headaches. I was short-tempered and impatient. Both my daughter and I were emotional and kept clashing. February and March are difficult months anyway, and it wasn't going to be easy for either of us.
However, the headaches were making it that much harder.
I was given a handout about PTSD and, geared toward soldiers returning from duty, it had a number of exercises around guilt, survivor guilt, shame and loss. I started with trying to figure out what % of responsibility I felt I had for my husband's death and my daughter's decision not to be adopted.
You try it: it's actually really helpful. Identify the event, then assign yourself an amount of responsibility you feel you have for the occurrence of that event. Wow, that was eye-opening.
Suicide is one of those things: it feels like a terrible burden of guilt (people who have lost loved ones due to most other illnesses or situations can also be consumed by guilt, but the legacy of guilt left by suicide is unreal). What could I have done? Why didn't I know? Why couldn't I help him when I loved him so much?
With adoption too, there is the death of a dream. I've talked about that before. Even adopting older children, as we did, comes with dreams. I was hopeful that a 12 year old with a lot of issues could have the opportunity to succeed in our home. I was more than hopeful that things would get better if I just held on a little longer. So I did. And to some degree it did get better, but not anywhere near what I had hoped. In the end, I had to admit that it just wasn't enough for me. I needed a daughter, and she just can't be that to me.
How responsible am I? If I can assign a value to that, I have a way to release myself. I can tell myself to take responsibility for what is mine. The rest is out of my hands.
Frankly, that's what makes me so angry: others chose and now my life is a train wreck. I had no choice and I'm left with it all. Yes, but God.... is..... here!
Next exercise: what shame has entered your life as a result of this event? What in your life has caused you shame?
Okay, stop for a moment. I've been through this before. I've renounced and cut off that stuff. I know that I know that Jesus died for my sin and the sins of others in my family line. I've forgiven and released. I am free. Ps 34 says that those who look to the Lord are radiant. Their faces are never covered with shame. That is the truth!
Suddenly it all seemed so clear.
Guilt and shame are NOT FROM GOD. They come from the enemy, and he doesn't have the right to kick me around because I BELONG TO THE LIVING GOD. THE BLOOD OF JESUS COVERS ME.
As soon as I went through the process (**) and cut off the strongholds that had had influence over me, the pain was gone. Seriously, I have not had a headache like that again.
And when the headaches do come back, I know what to do: BE GONE IN JESUS' NAME! I do not need to feel this way any more! Jesus died for this.
(**) My counsellor walked me through the process of renouncing, repenting, releasing forgiveness and cutting off bondages and influences that I had inherited. I had done this sort of thing in the past, more than once, but obviously there was value in doing it again.
If you are wondering if you should follow through with something like this because of emotional, physical or mental difficulty, seek the help of a good Christian counsellor. Focus on the Family is a good place to start for a referral, or ask your pastor.
Note: physical chemical imbalances in the brain may still need to be corrected with medication. Clinical depression or other physical symptoms may or may not be related to spiritual conditions. However, in no way does God desire us to live under the pressure and strain of any physical condition. Healing may be possible, in Him, but do not rule out healing through medical intervention.
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