In the first weeks after my husband's death, I read Dr Alan Wolfelt's books, particularly The Wilderness of Suicide Grief. Other books on suicide, at that time, were not helpful - some were too graphic, too traumatic for me to read. I have put some other quotes from Dr Wolfelt in other places in this blog, but perhaps this segment would be useful for someone who would read this one post.
The following list is intended both to empower you to heal and to decide how others can and cannot help. This is not to discourage you from reaching out to others for help, but rather to assist you in distinguishing useful responses from hurtful ones.
1. I have the right to experience my own unique grief. No one else will grieve this death in exactly the same way I do. [Others may not] tell me what I should or should not be thinking, feeling or doing.
2. I have the right to talk about my grief. Talking about my grief and the story of the death will help me heal... I also have the right to be silent, although I understand that bottling everything up inside will prevent my healing.
3. I have the right to feel a multitude of emotions. My feelings aren't right or wrong, they just are.
4. I have the right to work through any feelings of guilt, and relinquish responsibility. I may feel guilty about this death, although it was in no way my fault. I must come to acknowledge that the only person truly responsible was the person who took his or her own life. Still, I must feel and explore any possible feelings of guilt I may have in order to move beyond them.
5. I have the right to know what can be known about what happened. If I have questions about the death, I have the right to have those questions answered honestly and thoroughly by those who may have the information I seek.
6. I have the right to embrace the mystery. It is normal and natural for me to want to understand why the person I love took his or her own life, but I also have the right to accept that I may n ever fully and truly understand.
7. I have the right to embrace my spirituality.
8. I have the right to treasure my memories. Over time, I know I will be able to remember the love and the good times.
9. I have the right to hope. I can have hope and joy in my life and still miss and love the person who died.
10. I have the right to move toward my grief and heal. Grief is a process, not an event. I will be patient and tolerant with myself and avoid people who are impatient and intolerant with me. I must help those around me understand that the suicide death of someone loved has changed my life forever.
The following list is intended both to empower you to heal and to decide how others can and cannot help. This is not to discourage you from reaching out to others for help, but rather to assist you in distinguishing useful responses from hurtful ones.
1. I have the right to experience my own unique grief. No one else will grieve this death in exactly the same way I do. [Others may not] tell me what I should or should not be thinking, feeling or doing.
2. I have the right to talk about my grief. Talking about my grief and the story of the death will help me heal... I also have the right to be silent, although I understand that bottling everything up inside will prevent my healing.
3. I have the right to feel a multitude of emotions. My feelings aren't right or wrong, they just are.
4. I have the right to work through any feelings of guilt, and relinquish responsibility. I may feel guilty about this death, although it was in no way my fault. I must come to acknowledge that the only person truly responsible was the person who took his or her own life. Still, I must feel and explore any possible feelings of guilt I may have in order to move beyond them.
5. I have the right to know what can be known about what happened. If I have questions about the death, I have the right to have those questions answered honestly and thoroughly by those who may have the information I seek.
6. I have the right to embrace the mystery. It is normal and natural for me to want to understand why the person I love took his or her own life, but I also have the right to accept that I may n ever fully and truly understand.
7. I have the right to embrace my spirituality.
8. I have the right to treasure my memories. Over time, I know I will be able to remember the love and the good times.
9. I have the right to hope. I can have hope and joy in my life and still miss and love the person who died.
10. I have the right to move toward my grief and heal. Grief is a process, not an event. I will be patient and tolerant with myself and avoid people who are impatient and intolerant with me. I must help those around me understand that the suicide death of someone loved has changed my life forever.
Amen!
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