It has been a few weeks since I posted, and part of the issue is the ups and downs. One minute I'm at the bottom - feeling deeply depressed, and unable to manage just about anything - the next minute full of anger. Joy has been elusive, and I've had headaches every single days for weeks. My daughter has been in a heightened mood as well...
My grief counsellor and doctor felt I should increase medication to help with the symptoms and to reduce the stress on my body. I have been trying different things to avoid this: raw food shakes (with kale and fruit and so forth) to boost energy, taking more time on my own.
Last week I was working through a worksheet on Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) which touched on four major areas: guilt, survivor guilt, shame and loss/grief. Suicide leaves behind such a wake, and it isn't a stretch to say that survivors are traumatized. I know I am. Not to mention the strain and trauma from living with an angry, broken, abused child for two years...
Here are the keys I took away:
* what % of responsibility do I have for the event (in my case, my husband's death)?
ie. how did I cause or contribute to the event?
* is this a reasonable responsibility and should I then feel guilty? If so, what can I do to make amends for my guilt?
* in what areas do I feel shame? (identity, choices I have made, stigma, etc)
* how has loss affected me?
As I made a list of areas where I felt responsible, guilty and full of shame, the Light came upon me. Jesus died for our guilt and for our shame. It's all been dealt with on the cross. It's all been taken away and I am FREE.
There were some steps I took with my counsellor that really supported this:
1. We prayed and OUT LOUD renounced all the areas of guilt and shame that were not from God.
2. We cut off any plans of the enemy for my life. Particularly powerful was the removal of burdens from my shoulders, knives from my back (when others had criticized me or judged me) and the burden of self-criticism and judgement.
3. We cut off any influences from our family lines, even if it had already been broken off. We just REMINDED the enemy that he has already lost that battle and I know it!
4. We prayed for the Holy Spirit to FILL every empty space and to take the burdens from me. God carries the burden of grief, He cares for my concerns, He holds the future. I do not need to fuss over it.
From that moment on, the headaches were completely gone. When I feel the tension return to my neck or shoulders again, I proclaim the truth that I am set free, I do not need to carry shame or guilt and Jesus is my Redeemer. He will redeem my life.
I have felt such a sense of relief this week that I've been almost euphoric - able to laugh again, able to feel light. The grief is still there, so I am still on the roller coaster, but the oppression that was upon me is gone.
Thank you Lord!
My grief counsellor and doctor felt I should increase medication to help with the symptoms and to reduce the stress on my body. I have been trying different things to avoid this: raw food shakes (with kale and fruit and so forth) to boost energy, taking more time on my own.
Last week I was working through a worksheet on Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) which touched on four major areas: guilt, survivor guilt, shame and loss/grief. Suicide leaves behind such a wake, and it isn't a stretch to say that survivors are traumatized. I know I am. Not to mention the strain and trauma from living with an angry, broken, abused child for two years...
Here are the keys I took away:
* what % of responsibility do I have for the event (in my case, my husband's death)?
ie. how did I cause or contribute to the event?
* is this a reasonable responsibility and should I then feel guilty? If so, what can I do to make amends for my guilt?
* in what areas do I feel shame? (identity, choices I have made, stigma, etc)
* how has loss affected me?
As I made a list of areas where I felt responsible, guilty and full of shame, the Light came upon me. Jesus died for our guilt and for our shame. It's all been dealt with on the cross. It's all been taken away and I am FREE.
There were some steps I took with my counsellor that really supported this:
1. We prayed and OUT LOUD renounced all the areas of guilt and shame that were not from God.
2. We cut off any plans of the enemy for my life. Particularly powerful was the removal of burdens from my shoulders, knives from my back (when others had criticized me or judged me) and the burden of self-criticism and judgement.
3. We cut off any influences from our family lines, even if it had already been broken off. We just REMINDED the enemy that he has already lost that battle and I know it!
4. We prayed for the Holy Spirit to FILL every empty space and to take the burdens from me. God carries the burden of grief, He cares for my concerns, He holds the future. I do not need to fuss over it.
From that moment on, the headaches were completely gone. When I feel the tension return to my neck or shoulders again, I proclaim the truth that I am set free, I do not need to carry shame or guilt and Jesus is my Redeemer. He will redeem my life.
I have felt such a sense of relief this week that I've been almost euphoric - able to laugh again, able to feel light. The grief is still there, so I am still on the roller coaster, but the oppression that was upon me is gone.
Thank you Lord!
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