The desire to survive

To talk about survival is a double-edged sword. On one hand I've come through by the skin of my teeth covered in deep scars, wounded and sorrowing. On the other hand to portray myself as a survivor somehow seems to indicate that my husband could not survive, was not a survivor, was somehow weak. That feels disloyal to someone I respected deeply and wish to honour.

Truly, he was ill. He had been ill for a long time. He did not seek help. Perhaps he was beyond help. No, that's not true: the Lord can break through gates of iron. My husband was not beyond the Lord's help.

Why do some survive and others do not? In a sense, suicide leaves the nearest family and friends with a sort of survivor guilt. We wonder what we could have done to help or change the outcome. We think we should have known, should have been able to help or make a difference because we loved so much. Yet now the love comes back empty. We cannot do any more now. It's too late.

And there is the feeling of responsibility that cannot be shaken. There is the memory of the events that occurred just before and after the death - trauma does not wash away with soap and water. For some, the trauma is so great. I don't want to imagine how much worse things could have been for me. I am grateful I was spared a gruesome scene or Hollywood movie scenario.

I made a vow to my husband until death parted us. I have trouble still understanding that this vow is no longer valid. I should have been an old woman when I had to experience this loss. But that is not what happened. Why did I have to survive? Why do I have to live when he could not?

No, I do not wish to end my life. I will live and breathe for every day God gives me, and I will do what my husband could not do. I will live because I have been given life. Even as I say it, I feel like it could be seen as a judgement on my husband who could not receive the gift of life as a gift. It was a heavy burden for him to bear. On the day he died, at the moment before he died, it was crushing him. So, in a strange sense I want to live to honour him. In another sense, I live with determination and a set jaw. I will show the enemy that he has not won in my life nor in the lives of anyone who knows me. I will live and I will praise the Lord. I will live through all of this - even as things get harder and worse at times. Even in the midst of emotion, upset and tremendous pain, I will keep living. One day I will live to the Lord and that will be immeasurably finer and greater than anything I can ever experience here.

God gave me three words last week: SURVIVE ALIVE THRIVE

I am still surviving, but I look toward the day when I will experience being alive once again. In the future, I know that God will bring a thriving into my life that grows from this terrible death. Just like the forest fire - so much lush growth comes out of the ash in time. Fire destroys the large trees which choke out the small shoots and other species. I know that my life will look different than what I imagined with my husband. I realize that our dream of family will never happen in the way I imagined. However I am also aware that God can give me more than I could ever imagine. Yes, this has been a dark path to walk. I don't relish new challenges and additional burdens. But I will survive. I will keep walking. I will work toward being alive to the Lord so that He may create in me the conditions where I may thrive.

"Problems and suffering enter every life sooner or later... What's important is what we do about our circumstances. Are we snowed under and unable to get up, or do we dig our way out and go on with our lives? The truth is we need strength beyond our own to go on. This can only come from God. Faith in God produces hope and hope builds a bridge that leads to courage." (p 167 Too Soon to Say Goodbye)

"There's no doubt it takes courage to move forward in life after an attempted suicide or the loss of a loved one. Life takes on a more profound meaning - with a new responsibility to help others value their lives. God brings us to the brink of sorrow and back. He calls on us to embrace each day with obedience and love. To save lives takes strength beyond our own. His courage fills us with hope and a love for life that is beyond description. God has written on our hearts, 'Go and live life to the fullest. Love my people.'" (p. 170 Too Soon to Say Goodbye)