How is someone driven to end his or her own life? That is a question I can never truly know the answer to. And, honestly, if my husband had lived, I don't think he could have answered.
Everyone who survives the suicide death of a loved one is left with tremendous guilt and trauma. There is no way to really overcome that, even with the passage of time.
In one year, I have come to accept the reality that my husband was in such a place on the day he died that he was unable to see any other solution than to end his life. I look at the photos of his face, and I imagine it in my mind, and I can't connect that beautiful smile, the twinkle in his beautiful eyes with the anguish he must have felt, the broken state he was in.
Here are some excerpts from Osborn, Kosman & Gordon, Too Soon to Say Goodbye, (New Hope Publishers, AL: 2010). I hope they help you as much as they helped me.
In a moment of insanity, Erik's father did not consider what his act would do to his family. He was merely trying to escape the racking, wrenching pain.
Erik's mother was determined to survive. She was certain her family in God's strength would get through this together. Healing is always a choice, but often it won't begin until the first year of mourning has passed. Nevertheless, it will come. Choosing to survive, determining to be happy again, and trusting in the goodness of God will determine the quality of one's future. (p. 98-99).
Everyone who survives the suicide death of a loved one is left with tremendous guilt and trauma. There is no way to really overcome that, even with the passage of time.
In one year, I have come to accept the reality that my husband was in such a place on the day he died that he was unable to see any other solution than to end his life. I look at the photos of his face, and I imagine it in my mind, and I can't connect that beautiful smile, the twinkle in his beautiful eyes with the anguish he must have felt, the broken state he was in.
Here are some excerpts from Osborn, Kosman & Gordon, Too Soon to Say Goodbye, (New Hope Publishers, AL: 2010). I hope they help you as much as they helped me.
In a moment of insanity, Erik's father did not consider what his act would do to his family. He was merely trying to escape the racking, wrenching pain.
Erik's mother was determined to survive. She was certain her family in God's strength would get through this together. Healing is always a choice, but often it won't begin until the first year of mourning has passed. Nevertheless, it will come. Choosing to survive, determining to be happy again, and trusting in the goodness of God will determine the quality of one's future. (p. 98-99).
As a Christian pastor, I had witnessed clinical depression... Nothing had prepared me for what was to happen.... When the depression hit, I assumed it would pass, but this time, though, I didn't return from the pit. In fact, I sank deeper and deeper until the daylight at the top became progressively smaller. Finally, it disappeared completely. At first I felt a raw stab of pain deep inside. In those days, the pain felt so sharp that I would wince and need to control my breathing. How weird, I thought, that mental illness should have such physical symptoms...
As I sunk deeper and deeper into depression, the pain stopped. Everything stopped. In place of the pain there was nothing - no feelings, no emotions - just emptiness and blackness. Then the thought of suicide became an option. In fact it became less of an option and more of a compulsion - a way out of the nothingness.
I yearned for death... My wife Susan didn't understand. And the few friends who knew about my emotional turmoil didn't understand. I doubted that even God understood. I'm all alone, I thought.
As my illness progressed, to my shame, I gave up on God. I ceased going through the pretense of a devotional life and stopped praying. At that point I decided I would die. I set a date, 14 days away, and chose the method. It seemed like planning a trip or a dinner date. I felt calm, in control, unemotional. I thought, this is a logical remedy, but it should look like an accident... Taking positive action felt good. Arranging my death lifted a weight from my shoulders... I saw it as the ultimate healing. (p. 125-127).
I know that is why some people seem so ok in the weeks before they commit suicide, because that weight has been lifted. My best friend who had tried and failed suicide (and after seeing what our family has been through is so glad she failed), told me that at the time you are thinking of suicide, you are not thinking of anything or anyone else. You just want to be with your Lord.
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