The edge

My daughter had a mosquito bite in June last year. Like most kids, she scratched the living daylights out of it, so that it was an open sore for weeks. In November, I noticed that she still had the open sore on her arm. She was still scratching at it, even though I'm sure it wasn't itchy any more. If anything, it had turned into a stinging, hurting sore. That is how I feel.

I have returned to feeling great anger. Everything is overwhelming (and there seems to be a great deal of "everything" these days). Another major repair is needed to the car. My daughter is angry and every night is a struggle. I tried to have a hot bath last night and the water was tepid. I called the company from whom I rent the heater and the number is not in service....

It all piles up on me. Am I not carrying enough? Lord, I know this doesn't come from you, but why can't you protect me from this stuff? Why can't I have a break from constant struggle, suffering and upset? When will it end? When will I completely break down? I've felt on the edge for so long.

You need to distinguish anger that is sin from anger that is grief. Surrender to me is not like scratching the scabs off and letting the blood flow out of the wound again. Surrender to me is putting healing balm on those wounds so they can heal properly.

Surrender your rights to me: your right to protect yourself, your right to perfection. I have another way, and I cannot show you the way if you are curled up in a ball or picking the scab off the wound before it's had a chance to heal.

The scab will come off on its own. I will tend you gently and carefully like a wounded child. I will place the cool balm of my Spirit on your sore, angry heart. You must allow yourself to grieve, to feel and to be who you are without apology.

Give to others what is due them. You owe no one, including your daughter, polite kindness if you don't have it within you to give. Allow others to remain at arms' length if that's where they need to be. Your healing is going to take time, and it will come in fits and starts. Right now it feels like it's going backwards, but you are making progress and slowly finding your way out of the wilderness.

You fear being abandoned. You have decided that you are the only one who can take care of things, so you are doing just that. However, you do not have the resources, and you must ask for help. Instead of just picking people, ask me. You do not have because you do not ask. My answers may not come in ways you expect. The ideas may not be what you would have thought.

If everyone abandoned you, I will still be here, and I AM ENOUGH. I AM Always and Forever. I AM who I AM, and I cannot ever change.

Yesterday I said angrily, "I hate my life", and I really felt it. I've lost my husband, I've lost my daughter, my future the way I thought it would be will never be and there are too many responsibilities, decisions and pressures on my day to day life. I have every right to be angry and to feel sorry for myself.

But I don't want to live a life of bitterness. I want to be whole. I accept that I will always carry the scar of grief and that is part of the legacy of my husband's life and his death. I don't want to be a person who is completely alone. I want joy in my heart and love in my life.

It is there, in small ways. I have things to be grateful for. Don't tell me there's a silver lining, because there really isn't. But do remind me that God is faithful to the very end, and it isn't the end yet.