My body knows what season it is. There is much loss in this time of year: my father, my stepfather, my grandfather and my husband. I am going back down, but it's different. This time, the fog has lessened and the memories seem sharper than the first time round.
I saw my grandfather for the last time on Jan 31, 2010. He never met his great-grandchildren. He was tired, and his body was giving out. But I don't know that he ever reached out for The Lord. He was independent to the last, and yet afraid to die. I was awkward and embarrassed to tell him that I knew heaven. I imagined how he would respond and I didn't want him to despise me. Reality: it would not have been ME he despised, but Jesus... This guilt weighs on me. For he is likely in a terrible place now, and he was a dear, precious man to me.
A year ago is also full of difficult memories. Daily life was a struggle and it became more so as my husband's illness worsened. I was carrying so much, trying to keep all the plates in the air. My older daughter was in crisis at school, not knowing how to relate to the other children. Her birthday was and is a struggle for her, a trigger. All resources within and without were marshalled to surround her and keep her regulated (with mixed success). Now they are both gone...
God gave me the idea to make a scrapbook with cards, encouragements, ideas and extracts from my journal. I started at the library with scrap booking manuals and way too many ideas. I've never done something like this before! Then I sifted through the cards and letters I received to see what I wanted to include, feeling the memory of those days return to my body.
Then The Lord said, this isn't supposed to be an act of obedience, but a creative process to help you express what's inside. Stop planning. I will inspire you and show you the way. So I let it go and the very next day I woke up with ideas swirling in my mind. I've already started four pages, and finished one. God is so good!
The weight of this time of year is significant. I feel such emotion and I fight it, to try and keep my equilibrium. God says, Stop fighting it. There is no shame in your grief. You have carried much, suffered much and lost much. I AM your All in all. I AM all that you need. It is not just a nice thought. It is a truth that works itself out in reality. Here and now, I AM. I have always been, and I always shall be. Nothing can change that. No matter how many bricks there are in the wall, it is no effort for me to remove them.
I know what grief is. It aches through me, and I want so hard to throw it off. But I can't. It is the process of my body, my heart. God is near through it all. As it says in 1 John 3:20, God is greater than our hearts and He knows everything. He suffered anguish, he endured through the pain for the joy set before him. I have to do this too, but it needs to be the path He shows me, the way He makes for me through it all.
How do I do it? None of the library books on grief can answer it, but I am finding the way somehow. God has His way through it all. I know it's not easy already. That aches inside me. I want to be free. But I cannot be where I wanted to be. I cannot have what I hoped for. My life has had a twist in the story. There was an unexpected turn in the road. Actually, it was more like a landslide which washed away the life I knew.
There are a couple of very precious things I want to share here, if I can get them across.
1. God will redeem and has redeemed all that appears broken in my world. He died for this stuff. It was God's grace that prevented the situation from being much worse. It is still tragic and not God's choice, but His grace worked to redeem before it happened. Everything I am going through will bear much fruit. My husband's death ended in victory for The Lord, even if he could not be healed this side of the grave. Now I know without doubt that my husband dwells in heaven and is the glorious man he was intended to be when he was formed. I can't wait to see that.
2. I must surrender my right to be angry. God did not inflict this on me. He has protected me as much as possible. I could be bitter and angry in my heart because so many others have their husbands and children and have not had to experience the trauma I've been through. But I also know that my anger would be debilitating to me in the long run. And my surrender will open the door to His power shining through. God will be the Victor!
(This word came through Charles Carrin, who spoke at Catch the Fire Toronto - the full video is on YouTube).
Consolation will come from unexpected places. I must learn not to work for it, but to live in Now and allow the Father to provide for his daughter.
I saw my grandfather for the last time on Jan 31, 2010. He never met his great-grandchildren. He was tired, and his body was giving out. But I don't know that he ever reached out for The Lord. He was independent to the last, and yet afraid to die. I was awkward and embarrassed to tell him that I knew heaven. I imagined how he would respond and I didn't want him to despise me. Reality: it would not have been ME he despised, but Jesus... This guilt weighs on me. For he is likely in a terrible place now, and he was a dear, precious man to me.
A year ago is also full of difficult memories. Daily life was a struggle and it became more so as my husband's illness worsened. I was carrying so much, trying to keep all the plates in the air. My older daughter was in crisis at school, not knowing how to relate to the other children. Her birthday was and is a struggle for her, a trigger. All resources within and without were marshalled to surround her and keep her regulated (with mixed success). Now they are both gone...
God gave me the idea to make a scrapbook with cards, encouragements, ideas and extracts from my journal. I started at the library with scrap booking manuals and way too many ideas. I've never done something like this before! Then I sifted through the cards and letters I received to see what I wanted to include, feeling the memory of those days return to my body.
Then The Lord said, this isn't supposed to be an act of obedience, but a creative process to help you express what's inside. Stop planning. I will inspire you and show you the way. So I let it go and the very next day I woke up with ideas swirling in my mind. I've already started four pages, and finished one. God is so good!
The weight of this time of year is significant. I feel such emotion and I fight it, to try and keep my equilibrium. God says, Stop fighting it. There is no shame in your grief. You have carried much, suffered much and lost much. I AM your All in all. I AM all that you need. It is not just a nice thought. It is a truth that works itself out in reality. Here and now, I AM. I have always been, and I always shall be. Nothing can change that. No matter how many bricks there are in the wall, it is no effort for me to remove them.
I know what grief is. It aches through me, and I want so hard to throw it off. But I can't. It is the process of my body, my heart. God is near through it all. As it says in 1 John 3:20, God is greater than our hearts and He knows everything. He suffered anguish, he endured through the pain for the joy set before him. I have to do this too, but it needs to be the path He shows me, the way He makes for me through it all.
How do I do it? None of the library books on grief can answer it, but I am finding the way somehow. God has His way through it all. I know it's not easy already. That aches inside me. I want to be free. But I cannot be where I wanted to be. I cannot have what I hoped for. My life has had a twist in the story. There was an unexpected turn in the road. Actually, it was more like a landslide which washed away the life I knew.
I will go before you and will level the mountains ; I will break down gates of bronze and cut through bars of iron. I will give you hidden treasures, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the Lord , the God of Israel, who summons you by name. (Isaiah 45:2, 3 NIV)
There are a couple of very precious things I want to share here, if I can get them across.
1. God will redeem and has redeemed all that appears broken in my world. He died for this stuff. It was God's grace that prevented the situation from being much worse. It is still tragic and not God's choice, but His grace worked to redeem before it happened. Everything I am going through will bear much fruit. My husband's death ended in victory for The Lord, even if he could not be healed this side of the grave. Now I know without doubt that my husband dwells in heaven and is the glorious man he was intended to be when he was formed. I can't wait to see that.
2. I must surrender my right to be angry. God did not inflict this on me. He has protected me as much as possible. I could be bitter and angry in my heart because so many others have their husbands and children and have not had to experience the trauma I've been through. But I also know that my anger would be debilitating to me in the long run. And my surrender will open the door to His power shining through. God will be the Victor!
(This word came through Charles Carrin, who spoke at Catch the Fire Toronto - the full video is on YouTube).
Consolation will come from unexpected places. I must learn not to work for it, but to live in Now and allow the Father to provide for his daughter.
Comments
Post a Comment