Here follows a RANT....
I have had another run-in with the Children's Aid Society. Once again, policy, "rights" of the children and ensuring the possibility of future law suits is great reduced has won out over common sense. I am tired of having to deal with workers. I am fed up of policies that give control to children and no support to the adults who are trying their best to care for them. I am angry about the way that government and legal process undermines families.
As an adoptive parent to two older children with many emotional needs, I have faced the attitude of "it has a 50% chance of working out. These children are damaged and have a lot of needs." We were basically left to figure it out ourselves. When we went into crisis with my older daughter, there were no resources available aside from those I found or created myself. I had to advocate for myself (not so much the children) in order to receive counselling support, respite care and resources. At crisis points, help was slow in coming. A month after my husband and I declared that we could go no further with the older girl, the CAS were able to tell us that they were "working on" a group home placement for her. By then, the crisis had passed, and we limped along for another year.
I was told we could call the overnight crisis line for immediate help. My daughter was out of control, screaming and hitting, but no one answered - because it was between 8-9am and there was a changeover of staff at that time.
I attended a Behaviour Management Committee and was told that I had done everything I could possibly do. They recommended I come up with a safety plan for the rest of the family for the next time my daughter went into crisis. They recommended we do all we could do to get breaks, have respite and regroup. There were no new resources, no brilliant ideas.
We went for psychiatric assessments which conflicted and contradicted each other. The last one was the worst. The psychiatrist basically said that my daughter had an attachment disorder and I would need to decide what my limit was. If I could live with it, then fine. If not, then fine. Basically, "suck it up".
It's the law that children give consent to be adopted after age 6. It was a foregone conclusion that my older daughter would not do it. She is oppositional, defiant and cannot attach. She is highly anxious, and the lawyer spoke to her about going to court before a judge. There was an eight page document read out to her which went over her head.
My younger daughter met with a different lawyer who was a kind man. He spent 5 minutes with her, explained everything, asked her a few questions and she signed. Bang, bang. done.
It took half an hour with my older daughter and she spent most of the time looking at the ceiling waiting for it to end. There was an air of triumph that she didn't sign because she knew what she had decided, long before she even went to the lawyer. However she saw it, I don't believe she would have done anything differently.
However, the Children's Aid will not move forward with my younger daughter's legal adoption until they see a further six months of visits between the sisters. They feel they need a history of visits and phonecalls to show the court that access will be regular and unhindered.
The Children's Aid has also been pushing me to supervise and host visits between the sisters in my home. This, to me, is completely ridiculous. First of all, I do not wish to be responsible for managing the older one's behaviour. She will not see me as responsible for her, and she will not respect my home. She may take things. Besides that, it's too emotional for all of us. It was her home, and now it's not.
I am definitely not prepared to take her out somewhere and be responsible for her behaviour where we go. My responsibility is my daughter, who is willing to be parented by me and sees me as her mother.
I have had quite a lot of pushback on this point, and I'm already worn out. It seems to have no bearing on them that I've already lost my husband, my daughter has thrown me off and I am grieving. Who cares, as long as the letter of the law is considered? This, to me, encapsulates everything about this organization. I want to get them out of my life as soon as possible.
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