This is kind of a taboo subject in Christian circles. Widows and widowers don't exactly sit around talking about it, and since most of my friends are married, there isn't much point in me talking about this with them. I am grateful for one friend who brought it up and we had a frank discussion. Yesterday I wrote about distinguishing between anger as grief and anger that becomes sin. I've also been aware that, despite everything, I still have the same desires for my husband that I had before. Only now there is no outlet. It's more than a little awkward to discuss this, but it still is a struggle. Here are some things that God gave me today.
I'm not taking your emotion away. It's one of your strengths and one of the attractive things about you. However, it can also feel like a weakness - and it can be. You can dwell ON things rather than dwelling IN my grace.
If you are attracted to someone, I'm not going to take away the attraction because it's not actually wrong or harmful - unless you act on it. I do realize that it feels like a burden. It also makes you feel exposed and vulnerable. Attraction is part of the flesh and it is a natural response. There will be times you will struggle, but I will not throw you away on physical connection. You must have a spiritual connection that is RIGHT and given by me. There is no point in settling for anything less. That is what you had before, with your husband, and it was Good. Know that there is nothing else I would desire for you, my precious daughter.
All emotions have to be let out, but it's how you choose to do it that constitutes sin (or not). Attraction is good in the right place. Anger is natural and understandable but can lead to things. Sadness is valid, espcially considering all you've been through. You can't just lose the emotion.
I can heal the things that are not of Me, that fester or cause dysfunction. It is my desire and will that you be whole, complete, lacking nothing, full of grace and truth. I have provided and am providing. You need to live in the Now, not living in the past with your husband, not hoping for another relationship in the future or just living to die. There is so much more that I could do in and through your life. I do not try to weary you, because I am not focused on works. I am focussed on you - who you are, how you are growing through this tragedy.
You need to look after yourself, cultivate the quiet and gentle spirit and feel good about who you are - who I have made you to be. Your husband loved you unconditionally, but it was not a CHORE for him to love you.
Don't let sex become too big a deal. Your body is only part of the equation. It is natural that the desire you had with/for your husband would still be there. It is understandable that you would miss intimacy with your husband. Again, it is not the desire that is the problem, but what you do with it. I say in my Word that I would rather you remarry than burn with passion and fall into sin. If you just had sex with a man it is a counterfeit of what you long for. You long for the whole package - which is what you had in your marriage. Sex can't give you that. It's a release in the body. In marriage, sex is an expression of one-ness. There is no other way on earth that I can approximate what you will have in heaven with me. I will not disappoint you then, but now you have much to contend with.
Allow me to comfort you! I have the ability to comfort you where you are hurting in the flesh, the emotions, the spirit, the soul.
Then, I opened my journal to an earlier page and read this quote from Dietrich Bonhoeffer:
Nothing can make up for the absence of someone whom we love, and it would be wrong to try to find a substitute, we must simply hold out and see it through. That sounds very hard at first, but at the same time it is a great consolation, for the gap, as long as it remains unfilled, preserves the bonds between us. It is nonsense to say that God fills the gap; God doesn't fill it, but on the contrary, keeps it empty and so helps us to keep alive our former communion with each other, even at the cost of pain.
And one more quote from God Knows You're Grieving by Joan Guntzelman (Soren Books: 2001):
We may not have any control over the reality of the death or loss, but we do have choices about how we deal with it. Every day we're making such choices that either lead us into growth and new life or diminish us in some way... Choosing to reintegrate back into life doesn't mean that the struggle is over. Our grieving will continue, even as we choose life. Often, choosing life means allowing ourselves to feel all the pain of the loss.
Okay, I've put myself out there, but hopefully it will be helpful to someone along the line.
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