A year of grief

It's almost been a year. It's been a long year, the hardest year I've ever had, the saddest, maybe the worst. I don't even know how I got through this. I am grateful I don't have to go back and do it all again. I miss my husband so much and it's so hard to keep moving away from the time I had with him.

I've been having dreams, and some of the emotions are swelling up. The raw feelings are returning again, my body remembers the struggles we were having this time last year. I was so tired. I was so completely tired, and my husband was so low. I still don't know how I could have missed the possibility of suicide. I never even thought, but of course I've gone over that a million times. What could I have done? Why did it have to be this way?

This morning I was thinking about the date of my husband's birth: the 8th of the month. The number 8 is "new beginnings" in Biblical terms. He was a new beginning for his family line. The spirit of death had taken his grandmother and his mother, but God broke it with my husband's death. Even though he passed from this world, he was not taken from the Lord. It was a victory, just not a victory in this life. I have to admit, as much as I'm grateful, it's not much consolation. I'm still left to find my way through the rest of my life without him.

I also see the shift in my life. I am processing things differently now. I feel more on my own. If I need something, I don't know what it is. I don't want to isolate myself or be self-sufficient, but I'm really struggling to be social and connected. I feel like a burden, and I feel alone.

Griefshare suggests writing a grief letter to give to friends and family. I think it's a good idea, but I also wonder how they will react to it. What is my goal in writing?

A year ago, my life changed when his life ended. I cannot tell you how I have come through the year, but somehow I have. I am grateful for the ways that so many people came around us in those first few weeks, and throughout this whole year:

* meals were cooked and delivered for almost two months
* repairs and changes were made to the house
* advice was provided, offered and withheld
* the children were taken out, shown a good time and returned (generally more tired and happy than when they left)
* my lawn was mowed, leaves raked and eavestroughs cleared
* friends were willing to walk in the pouring rain along the lakeshore because it was my anniversary and I wanted to go for a walk

Thank you to all of you who came alongside me and the children, and supported us in spiritual, emotional and practical ways.

Now that the initial shock of my husband's death has worn off, I have had to accept that grieving takes a lot longer than I realized. I have tried to "keep busy" and to "be strong", but there is no way to make it go faster. Grief takes the time that it takes, and trying to rush it will only make it go underground.

I have learned that I will never get over his death. I will always mourn his loss, wish that he was here and wonder why it had to be this way. Eventually I will accept that it has happened, and I will learn to live with it. He will always be part of who I am and part of my future.

I am more able now to look after things. I'm not so overwhelmed as I was. However, I'm aware that I can't do this on my own. I need to be able to ask for help, and I need to know that there are people who can help. It really helps me most when people are honest and say no if they really can't help. It also helps if people can offer what is possible for them. For example, "I could pick up some things from Costco next time I'm there, if you need anything." Sometimes I don't even know what I need until the need is there.

I am grateful that God has set me in a community of believers that is more like family. I have been humbled many times by people who have taken precious spare time to be at my home helping me.

I am also realizing that it is sometimes hard for me to be with people because I find it so hard to be with myself. I'm tired of grieving. I'm tired of being sad, angry, emotional, hurting and wounded. Even though I am completely justified in feeling all of these things, it's still hard to carry this load. At times I just want to be treated like "normal", but other times I feel like that ignores the "elephant in the room". Please bear with me if I seem standoffish or moody. It may just be that I need a hug, or I need your prayers.

I have also learned that I sometimes need to be more protective of where I am or what I'm doing. I can't handle a lot of busy, social occasions. I find it difficult at church because I see him everywhere. It's less emotional at another church where no one knows the whole story unless I choose to tell them.

I am forever changed.

God has told me that He will redeem my life. He will recreate something new, because I can't have what was. But I'm not ready for that yet. I am gradually walking through the valley of the shadow of death.

Thank you for walking with me.

I am afraid that the support will completely dry up and that I will be alone. That is where I need to remember Who my Father is. He will never leave me nor forsake me. Help me to hang on to You, Lord!