So much of me wants to just ignore Christmas - the trappings of decorations, gifts and family time are painful memories right now. My husband did not enjoy Christmas particularly, although we had many happy memories of the season, developed our own traditions and so forth. However, everything is now so different, and this season more so than ever.
I am missing so many close family members at this time of year: my grandparents, my dad and my stepfather, and my husband and the father of my daughter. I'm also missing my older daughter who has chosen to take her own path.
Every year in Advent I reflect on the reality that Jesus is "God with us". God is with us. He is ever-present, but He also chose to take the form of a man to fully identify Himself with us. And now, he continues to be with us in all that we do. Where we walk, He walks. Where we go, He goes. We carry Him and He carries us.
I have many mixed feelings about this time of year. We are surrounded by "joy" and "merriment". Everyone is excited about this season (or so it seems). I used to be, because I love the decorations, the food we make just at this time of year, the advent of the Lord. And, I do like giving and receiving gifts, I have to admit.
But at the same time, the last couple of Christmases have been stressful. Before the children came, I felt so lonely for that family Christmas I dreamed of. I dreamed of excited children, enjoying traditions I had enjoyed as a child, but which had been laid aside when we children became adults.
Reality, as is often the case, was not anything like my dream. Last year, particularly, when my husband was carrying a deep depression, it was like pulling teeth the whole time. I dragged everyone through the trappings of Christmas, trying to extract joy out of something.
Even the spiritual reality that true joy comes from the Lord became self-righteousness as I looked at my husband struggling with many areas (he was enduring terrible headaches as well, which seemed to be connected to sinus infections, but were debilitating). I did not realize all that was to come. I really am relieved I did not, although I know I cannot change a single thing.
I don't berate myself. I know that I was carrying a tremendous load. This year, the load has changed.
I bear a weight of grief that seems to grow heavier with time. I also feel such emptiness as I look around my house at the dreams that have died or gone away.
My daughter and I will celebrate in the way that we always have (in the last two years anyway), and this year we will seek out new traditions. As I said to her yesterday: they will honour her daddy and my husband, and they will mark the fact that we are now officially a family.
God is with us. He came for all of this: the failures, the trauma and despair, the loss and grief. He died with it on the cross, and he killed it all. My husband is in a place where none of this exists any longer. He is free. I am not. But God is with me.
"Surely I am with you always, even to the end of the age". Matt 28:20
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