Holding on and Letting Go

I haven't written for a few weeks because my life has taken another turn I didn't fully anticipate. My older daughter has chosen not to consent to be adopted. She told a counsellor that she wanted to return to foster care, not to be part of a family. She wanted to be connected to her birth family instead.

Her sister, on the other hand, signed consent and was excited about it. She has also appeared quite "okay" with the unfolding of the drama around her sister.

So now we are a family of two and a cat. It is strange, but there is a sense of real relief in my heart. I did not realize how significant my older daughter's behaviour was in my life. She created far more stress than I realized.

I can now concentrate on developing a relationship with my daughter who wants to be part of a family with me and is excited about it. I can also concentrate on continuing to process the grief of this time of year: Christmas, my birthday, my husband's birthday.

The final straw, if you can call it that, was spending my husband's birthday talking with all my friends about my older daughter's impending move.

In the end, God moved quickly and she went without fuss. I knew there would be unpleasantness and drama, but it was minimized and she is now gone. I haven't seen her in two weeks, and I feel such a deep relief.

I am not going home every day wondering what new crisis will meet me. I'm not having to think one step ahead every moment, plan every moment or organize support and help for every moment.

So, I have relinquished my older daughter (or, my daughter's older sister). I have let her go to follow the path she has chosen. I feel certain that God will not let her go. He has her firmly in His grip even if she chooses to ignore His presence.

At the same time, I am learning to hold on to what is good. I have a daughter who wants to be with me. She is ready to be a daughter and she will flourish. She also has to process the separation from her sister which has its benefits as well as its down side.

And, as I've said in previous posts, I am learning to hold on to what I had with my husband. Our marriage is eternal and his presence in my life will always be mine to keep. I don't have to let go of his love, his influence, his presence in my life.

God calls us to let go of some things so He can do what He needs to do. I can hang on so tight, no one could even begin to get past my grip.

I did all I could do, focussed every last ounce of energy on this one child. She drained me, sapped me and abused me at times. But it wasn't enough to move her to a place where she could hold on. She can only let go because she's holding on to too much baggage.

I also have to accept that I must hold on to my daughter. I must love her and nurture her and feed into her life. At the same time, she will soften and let go of the hurts she has endured.

It sounds so simple, but it's not. There is a lot of work still to be done, and there is a lot of healing that needs to take place in both our hearts.

The loss of my husband is still so fresh, so achingly new.

I have let go of the need to rush through grief and "get over it". I have accepted that it will take the time that it will take. I need to let it all happen and that the process is not fast. Emotions need to be released and poured out. I need to move memories of the past into a place where they are comfort not pain. And I need to move my husband from being a living and active part of my life into a place of the past and a treasured memory.

God has given me some very precious promises that my future will be a new beginning. I read this on Trisha Frost's blog (she is the widow of Jack Frost and they created Shiloh Ministries together):

There is a new day dawning. Stop looking at loss and look into the success of today and all of your tomorrows. I want to see and accomplish all that is on the horizon of my future and I want you to also!