Triumph or ?

I flicked through the channels last night and saw a program with the theme "From Tragedy to Triumph". it was all about people who overcame tremendously difficult personal circumstances and were able to pursue a whole life.

It made me wonder if I will have an overcomers testimony, if I will be one who triumphs.

As I thought this over, God whispered to my heart: You aren't ready to be an overcomer yet. This isn't the time.

At the same time, I'm not sure my goal is to overcome or to triumph over this tragedy. My husband will always be a part of who I am. Despite the fact that he chose to end his own life, that he struggled alone with the darkness that engulfed him, our marriage was strong.

We had a close relationship and it was something that brought out the best in both of us. I have often thought, since his death, that the whole was greater than the sum of its parts. I often doubt that I can be the person I was when married. Now I am a shell, or half of who I was.

I am reminded of our life verse: Hebrews 12:1-3.

Imagine if Jesus had given up. He asked God to take the cup of suffering away from Him, but when He realized that there was no other way, He endured the cross for the joy set before Him. Jesus knew that He would sit at the right hand of the throne of God when it was all over.

So now I'm being called upon to persevere, to run the race set before me, to consider my Lord so that I will not grow weary and lose heart.

I confess that I am weary. Work has been so hectic and my children take every ounce of energy I have. I am being called upon to rebuild a life out of materials that don't really appeal to me. Whatever is left of joy or happiness seems elusive right now. The love that I shared with my husband seems gone.

God has told me several times that my marriage is eternal. My husband is in heaven now, healed and free, and waiting for me. He will love me always. Even if I were to remarry one day (and believe me, after 6 months, that's the farthest thing from my mind!), our marriage and our love will always be real.

At times I have offered my husband back to God, trying to let him go. But then God comes back and tells me that all I had as a married woman is part of who I am now, and always will be. My marriage is not something I need to surrender. It has ended now, but it also eternal. I will incorporate my married life into who I am now and in the future.

Okay, so back to the topic of this post. Will I have a testimony of triumph? Will I overcome? I think that it will more likely be that I will be able to say that I have persevered under great trial and I have proven the Lord to be faithful. I pray that all will see this as they watch me move from the valley of the shadow into a place of life again.

I will be forever marked by the loss of my dearest sweetie. I will never forget him, and I will never "get over" him. However, I will also be able to testify that God is fully faithful, that He will satisfy my desires with good things, that He redeems and restores my life from the pit, and He has created beauty from ashes.