The morning of the burial, I woke up with a certainty that there were things that needed to be said. And there were two passages that needed to read out. Thank You God that You know what needs to be done. I didn't want to just drop the box / urn in the hole and run. I wanted to show respect to my husband. At the same time I did not want to go backwards. I want to know that there is hope.
These words are from my journal:
No one deliberately and maliciously killed my husband. He alone chose the path he took. He alone acted. No one who knew him would have supported or encouraged death. Everyone has been affected by his death and the tidal wave it has caused in my life, in our lives.
He didn't think how his work would be picked up, sorted out. He can't be replaced. He didn't consider how I would manage without him - not just snow shovelling and lawn mowing, but also the closeness of heart, the depth of love, my best friend.
He was not randomly taken, but it is as senseless and brutal as if he'd been murdered.
Can you now forgive him because he left you and broke your heart? for withholding from you critical information which, truthfully, he did not even know about himself because he chose not to self-reflect, nor could he be objective enough to acknowledge the danger in which he was placing himself.
He was and is every bit as precious to God as I am, as my girls are, but now we are God's priority because my husband is with the Lord and through my healing, the girls will see clearly His great salvation.
God says to me: There may be darkness over the path, but I give you enough light to see the steps in front of you. If you look too far ahead you will be overwhelmed by what looks impossible. Every step forward takes you further from what you had and what you used to know and what was so essential but is now gone forever (until eternity).
Your husband lost hope, but I will renew yours. He didn't see that I have all the hope you need, no matter how hard it seems. You have the job to keep an eye on these girls, for me, but I will provide people to come alongside you when it is hard - even when it is not. I am renewing you day by day from within. Your hope will be renewed.
This is my affirmation:
Psalm 16:8-11
I have set the Lord always before me.
Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken.
Hebrews 12:1-3
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.
My mum read out Numbers 6: 24-26
The Lord bless you and keep you;
the Lord make his face shine on you and be gracious to you;
the Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace.
A friend prayed at the end as well, and spoke out our love, our thanks for my husband's life and also our forgiveness to him and our sadness at his loss. And, finally, my aunt affirmed that she believes my husband is now at peace.
So, now, it is over. And it was every bit as emotional as I expected. It made yesterday emotional as well. But this emotion must be poured out over and over again.
These words are from my journal:
No one deliberately and maliciously killed my husband. He alone chose the path he took. He alone acted. No one who knew him would have supported or encouraged death. Everyone has been affected by his death and the tidal wave it has caused in my life, in our lives.
He didn't think how his work would be picked up, sorted out. He can't be replaced. He didn't consider how I would manage without him - not just snow shovelling and lawn mowing, but also the closeness of heart, the depth of love, my best friend.
He was not randomly taken, but it is as senseless and brutal as if he'd been murdered.
Can you now forgive him because he left you and broke your heart? for withholding from you critical information which, truthfully, he did not even know about himself because he chose not to self-reflect, nor could he be objective enough to acknowledge the danger in which he was placing himself.
He was and is every bit as precious to God as I am, as my girls are, but now we are God's priority because my husband is with the Lord and through my healing, the girls will see clearly His great salvation.
God says to me: There may be darkness over the path, but I give you enough light to see the steps in front of you. If you look too far ahead you will be overwhelmed by what looks impossible. Every step forward takes you further from what you had and what you used to know and what was so essential but is now gone forever (until eternity).
Your husband lost hope, but I will renew yours. He didn't see that I have all the hope you need, no matter how hard it seems. You have the job to keep an eye on these girls, for me, but I will provide people to come alongside you when it is hard - even when it is not. I am renewing you day by day from within. Your hope will be renewed.
This is my affirmation:
Psalm 16:8-11
I have set the Lord always before me.
Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken.
Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices;
my body also will rest secure, because you will not abandon me to the grave,
nor will you let your Holy One see decay.
You have made known to me the path of life;
you will fill me with joy in your presence,
with eternal pleasures at your right hand.
This was my husband's life verse and it became OUR life verse as well. Now, I know that he was unable to do this at the very end. However, I felt that this needed to be read out. It is his charge to us now. He is part of the "great cloud of witnesses" and we must persevere. This was the last thing we read out.
my body also will rest secure, because you will not abandon me to the grave,
nor will you let your Holy One see decay.
You have made known to me the path of life;
you will fill me with joy in your presence,
with eternal pleasures at your right hand.
This was my husband's life verse and it became OUR life verse as well. Now, I know that he was unable to do this at the very end. However, I felt that this needed to be read out. It is his charge to us now. He is part of the "great cloud of witnesses" and we must persevere. This was the last thing we read out.
Hebrews 12:1-3
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.
My mum read out Numbers 6: 24-26
The Lord bless you and keep you;
the Lord make his face shine on you and be gracious to you;
the Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace.
A friend prayed at the end as well, and spoke out our love, our thanks for my husband's life and also our forgiveness to him and our sadness at his loss. And, finally, my aunt affirmed that she believes my husband is now at peace.
So, now, it is over. And it was every bit as emotional as I expected. It made yesterday emotional as well. But this emotion must be poured out over and over again.
You said your Mum! Are you English or Aussie? I am an Aussie. What precious memories you are making for your girls. Stay strong, keep looking up!
ReplyDelete