A few weeks ago, I realized that my daughter thinks I'm superhuman. She is always pushing the boundary, pushing me to see how far she can go. Then, when she gets a reaction out of me, she keeps pushing there because it gives her control over my reactions, my emotions.
And there I am, engaging in emotional upset that I don't need and didn't have energy for, without any real reason other than the fact that she pushed me in that direction.
God has given me two keys here:
1. Don't engage. I've known this one for a long time. For the last year and a half I've been living with "don't engage" which I define as don't react, don't display emotion, don't even respond.
However, God tells me that this is the superhuman version. If I appear calm and unconcerned on the surface, where is all that anger going? Inside. And I'm already full to the brim with anger, grief and upset. It will take very little to get me boiling up and over.
The answer to "don't engage" is to dis-engage. First check that neither of the children are in actual danger. Then, I'm walking out of the house - pulling a few weeds, sitting on the neighbour's front step. I'm going into my room and gently closing the door. I'm making a phone call to a friend. I'm going to the bathroom (although that is a classic strategy with two screaming, fighting children right outside the door).
The other week, there was a lot of silliness and agitation just as it was bedtime. I was tired and felt irritated by the behaviour. I'd already had my older daughter shouting at me because she was picking arguments with her younger sister and had managed my way through that. So, I turned out all the lights, said "good night" quietly and went into my room and shut the door. As soon as I did that, I heard the rapid pitter patter of feet heading off to bedrooms. It was like magic.
2. Don't allow access.
No one else has the right to determine my emotional state or my moods. If I'm upset and angry because of something that has stimulated me, then that's one thing. But if someone else is emotional, I don't have the responsibility to pick up their emotions and deal with them.
My older daughter's classic coping mechanism is to throw off all her anger and upset on to others so she can get rid of it. The only thing is, she needs to take responsibility for carrying her own stuff. She just doesn't know how.
I must guard my heart. There needs to be emotional space between my daughter and I for my own safety. She cannot have unconditional access. This is a boundary and it needs to be firm. If she is getting to me, then I need to back away, get away, be away.
In the past, I could withdraw and my husband would step in. Now, he is not there to do this. And, truthfully, he was not always there to step in when he was still alive. However there is no value in the girls thinking I'm superhuman, and it is my goal to teach them people are not invincible.
God will give me more keys as I move forward. My goal is not to think too far ahead!
And there I am, engaging in emotional upset that I don't need and didn't have energy for, without any real reason other than the fact that she pushed me in that direction.
God has given me two keys here:
1. Don't engage. I've known this one for a long time. For the last year and a half I've been living with "don't engage" which I define as don't react, don't display emotion, don't even respond.
However, God tells me that this is the superhuman version. If I appear calm and unconcerned on the surface, where is all that anger going? Inside. And I'm already full to the brim with anger, grief and upset. It will take very little to get me boiling up and over.
The answer to "don't engage" is to dis-engage. First check that neither of the children are in actual danger. Then, I'm walking out of the house - pulling a few weeds, sitting on the neighbour's front step. I'm going into my room and gently closing the door. I'm making a phone call to a friend. I'm going to the bathroom (although that is a classic strategy with two screaming, fighting children right outside the door).
The other week, there was a lot of silliness and agitation just as it was bedtime. I was tired and felt irritated by the behaviour. I'd already had my older daughter shouting at me because she was picking arguments with her younger sister and had managed my way through that. So, I turned out all the lights, said "good night" quietly and went into my room and shut the door. As soon as I did that, I heard the rapid pitter patter of feet heading off to bedrooms. It was like magic.
2. Don't allow access.
No one else has the right to determine my emotional state or my moods. If I'm upset and angry because of something that has stimulated me, then that's one thing. But if someone else is emotional, I don't have the responsibility to pick up their emotions and deal with them.
My older daughter's classic coping mechanism is to throw off all her anger and upset on to others so she can get rid of it. The only thing is, she needs to take responsibility for carrying her own stuff. She just doesn't know how.
I must guard my heart. There needs to be emotional space between my daughter and I for my own safety. She cannot have unconditional access. This is a boundary and it needs to be firm. If she is getting to me, then I need to back away, get away, be away.
In the past, I could withdraw and my husband would step in. Now, he is not there to do this. And, truthfully, he was not always there to step in when he was still alive. However there is no value in the girls thinking I'm superhuman, and it is my goal to teach them people are not invincible.
God will give me more keys as I move forward. My goal is not to think too far ahead!
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