Psalm 46:4-5
There is a river whose streams make glad the city of our God,
the holy place where the Most High dwells.
God is within her, she will not fall;
God will help her at break of day.
It is hard to fathom how anyone could get to the point where the only answer seemed to be death. It is even harder to imagine how anyone could be willing and able to commit murder (which is basically what they are doing). Put those things together, and equate them with the being and character of someone you know better than anyone, someone you loved deeply and someone you completely trusted. It is unfathomable.
Death by suicide cannot be resolved by the loved ones left behind. No amount of agonizing, analysing or wondering can ever answer the questions. Why would someone I love so much want to die? How could someone I love so much be able to kill himself? How could he leave me? How could he see this as an answer? Couldn't he see, as I did, that it would get better, that we would figure a way through things together, like we always did and had so many times before.
No one gets to the brink of death because they feel a little bad. It is so hard to think of him feeling that much pain. It is nearly impossible for me to understand how one who knew Christ and had a living relationship with Him could see death as a solution for the struggles. It is also crushingly difficult to accept that I didn't realize how bad things were. I didn't know that his life was in danger. I didn't think, even for a moment, that he was capable of killing himself.
I am grateful that the Lord has spoken to me and has answered some of my questions. Only He could know what my husband was thinking and feeling at the last. Only He knew how hard my husband fought with his thoughts and emotions. I hope it will encourage you too, if you have faced the death of a loved one to suicide.
A grief counsellor told me not to judge my husband's whole life by that one moment (the moment of death). There were so many other moments in his life that would bring joy and peace if I remembered them. She used the image of a circle, and the moment of deciding to take his life, carrying it out and succeeding was a line in the whole of that circle.
I was talking with a friend today and we reflected how a death like this can overshadow everything else about that person. Ironically, my husband was a very private person. But his death has become the most public expression of his feelings possible. He left no doubt that he was overwhelmed, engulfed.
I don't want to share the circumstances with others. Only a small number of people know how my husband killed himself. I don't want to reflect upon how his face looked, how tormented he must have been at the moment of death. It is heart-breaking to consider. I am grateful, though, that his death was not a scene from a horror movie, nor did he choose to die in our home where I could have found him, or one of our daughters. There is plenty of trauma to be had just working through the reality of his death, without that.
I don't want his daughters to remember only the tragedy of his loss, or to reflect only on the circumstances of his death. I haven't told them what he did and how he did it. They know he was depressed. They know that his depression caused his brain to stop working right, to make him think he needed to hurt himself. They know that he did hurt himself and that he died.
I am grateful that everyone who knew my husband, who knew his faith and his character has had no doubt about where he is now. No one doubts that he is in heaven. That is where he is.
Then God told me - clearly - a few days after my husband's death: He is with me. For a moment, he passed out of my reach but never did I leave him. Always was my hand upon him. Even at the darkest point, my hope was that he would reach out to me. But the door closed instead and he moved out of my reach for a moment. When I saw that there was no other way, I took him to heal him. But this was not my plan for his life, not my plan for your life.
I allowed your husband to have choice. I did not intervene, although I could have. I gave him freedom to choose, however misguided his choice was. And, when it became clear that there was no other way, I snatched him away from Death. Death did not win. The Spirit of Death that dogged him did not capture him. In the end, I won.
I have him now and I have you now. I have healed him and will continue to heal you. He did not run away from you and your great responsibilities, but he tried to escape the flood of anxiety and fear that dogged him.
Lately I've been getting into Near Death Experience (NDE) stories. I've read Colton Burpo's story in Heaven is for Real. I've read Don Piper's book 90 Minutes in Heaven. I found a website which was filled with testimonies including George Ritchie (http://bibleprobe.com/nde.htm). It was very interesting. At the same time, it is also comforting to know that heaven is a real place, that I will be there one day and that my husband is there now.
How uplifting a thought it is to consider the presence of Jesus, the deep joy and freedom of being away from this world and its struggles. At the same time, I resent that I am stuck here, still, with all the fallout from this tragedy. But, one day, it will be my turn to be with the Lord. And, when I do see my husband again it will be for ever and ever.
Ps 46: 11
The Lord Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.
There is a river whose streams make glad the city of our God,
the holy place where the Most High dwells.
God is within her, she will not fall;
God will help her at break of day.
It is hard to fathom how anyone could get to the point where the only answer seemed to be death. It is even harder to imagine how anyone could be willing and able to commit murder (which is basically what they are doing). Put those things together, and equate them with the being and character of someone you know better than anyone, someone you loved deeply and someone you completely trusted. It is unfathomable.
Death by suicide cannot be resolved by the loved ones left behind. No amount of agonizing, analysing or wondering can ever answer the questions. Why would someone I love so much want to die? How could someone I love so much be able to kill himself? How could he leave me? How could he see this as an answer? Couldn't he see, as I did, that it would get better, that we would figure a way through things together, like we always did and had so many times before.
No one gets to the brink of death because they feel a little bad. It is so hard to think of him feeling that much pain. It is nearly impossible for me to understand how one who knew Christ and had a living relationship with Him could see death as a solution for the struggles. It is also crushingly difficult to accept that I didn't realize how bad things were. I didn't know that his life was in danger. I didn't think, even for a moment, that he was capable of killing himself.
I am grateful that the Lord has spoken to me and has answered some of my questions. Only He could know what my husband was thinking and feeling at the last. Only He knew how hard my husband fought with his thoughts and emotions. I hope it will encourage you too, if you have faced the death of a loved one to suicide.
A grief counsellor told me not to judge my husband's whole life by that one moment (the moment of death). There were so many other moments in his life that would bring joy and peace if I remembered them. She used the image of a circle, and the moment of deciding to take his life, carrying it out and succeeding was a line in the whole of that circle.
I was talking with a friend today and we reflected how a death like this can overshadow everything else about that person. Ironically, my husband was a very private person. But his death has become the most public expression of his feelings possible. He left no doubt that he was overwhelmed, engulfed.
I don't want to share the circumstances with others. Only a small number of people know how my husband killed himself. I don't want to reflect upon how his face looked, how tormented he must have been at the moment of death. It is heart-breaking to consider. I am grateful, though, that his death was not a scene from a horror movie, nor did he choose to die in our home where I could have found him, or one of our daughters. There is plenty of trauma to be had just working through the reality of his death, without that.
I don't want his daughters to remember only the tragedy of his loss, or to reflect only on the circumstances of his death. I haven't told them what he did and how he did it. They know he was depressed. They know that his depression caused his brain to stop working right, to make him think he needed to hurt himself. They know that he did hurt himself and that he died.
I am grateful that everyone who knew my husband, who knew his faith and his character has had no doubt about where he is now. No one doubts that he is in heaven. That is where he is.
Then God told me - clearly - a few days after my husband's death: He is with me. For a moment, he passed out of my reach but never did I leave him. Always was my hand upon him. Even at the darkest point, my hope was that he would reach out to me. But the door closed instead and he moved out of my reach for a moment. When I saw that there was no other way, I took him to heal him. But this was not my plan for his life, not my plan for your life.
I allowed your husband to have choice. I did not intervene, although I could have. I gave him freedom to choose, however misguided his choice was. And, when it became clear that there was no other way, I snatched him away from Death. Death did not win. The Spirit of Death that dogged him did not capture him. In the end, I won.
I have him now and I have you now. I have healed him and will continue to heal you. He did not run away from you and your great responsibilities, but he tried to escape the flood of anxiety and fear that dogged him.
Lately I've been getting into Near Death Experience (NDE) stories. I've read Colton Burpo's story in Heaven is for Real. I've read Don Piper's book 90 Minutes in Heaven. I found a website which was filled with testimonies including George Ritchie (http://bibleprobe.com/nde.htm). It was very interesting. At the same time, it is also comforting to know that heaven is a real place, that I will be there one day and that my husband is there now.
How uplifting a thought it is to consider the presence of Jesus, the deep joy and freedom of being away from this world and its struggles. At the same time, I resent that I am stuck here, still, with all the fallout from this tragedy. But, one day, it will be my turn to be with the Lord. And, when I do see my husband again it will be for ever and ever.
Ps 46: 11
The Lord Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.
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