Most people know that anger is one of the stages of grief, according to Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. But I was unprepared for the chaotic, cycling way that grief works. I feel like a top: spinning quickly and then slowing down gradually. Then something picks me up and sets me spinning at speed again, cycling faster and faster, then slowing down again.
I have grieved before - my grandparents, my father when I was 9 - but not like this. First, I grieved when my girls came. My dream of parenthood and family was relentlessly destroyed by angry, abusive, hurting children. My home became more like a war zone and, instead of being a haven of peace for all of us, it became unendurable at times.
The grief and loss that my children have faced is phenomenal: loss of birth parents (including an unknown father who has never been named or has never had any involvement in their lives), loss of foster parents who did not adopt them, and loss of all they knew before they came to us. They are both survivors. They've had to be, because they've had no choice about the things that have happened to them.
I get that.
Because, I too had no choice about my husband's death. Suddenly he was gone. He took himself out of our lives, out of his life. He must have seen it as the only way, but how irreparably gone he is and how non-negotiable his loss is.
I am so filled with anger at times. Then my emotions crash wildly into deep sadness, numbness and a slow burning resentment (which is a form of anger).
How do I get rid of it? At times my emotions take over so that I can't think straight. In the last two years, I have experienced emotions I never knew I would feel. My older daughter has stirred up more aggression in me than I knew I was capable of. I swore (and I hate swearing). I punched walls and threw things around. I have shouted and screamed at her and about her.
And now, I am so very angry about the death of my husband. I can't even begin to find the end of this anger.
I am angry because I had no choice about this happening to me.
I am angry because I now have a huge load to carry, and no one, including me, knows how I will do it (except God).
I am angry because I am loaded with guilt and hold myself accountable for my husband's choice to die.
I am angry that a man I knew and loved better than anyone else in the world could see no other escape from his problems, that he could feel there was no other answer.
I am angry because I am now a widow, a single woman and a single mother. None of these are titles I have chosen or wanted. Ever.
I am angry that I have lost hope for my life.I know it will come back because God gives hope. That is why this blog is entitled "There is still hope..." because where there's life, there's hope. And I am alive. At times, only just alive, but alive still.
Somehow, at this end of this post, I want to point back to the Lord who is here with me in every possible way. How He speaks to me (later on, I will post some of the things He has said because I know they will help others in grief or who are suffering).
I just opened my Bible, thinking "I need a verse to encourage myself, and to encourage others". And here is what I found:
2 Timothy 1:8-12
...join with me in suffering for the gospel, by the power of God, who has saved us and called us to a holy life -- not because of anything we have done but because of his own purpose and grace. This grace was given us in Christ Jesus before the beginning of time, but it has now been revealed through the appearing of our Saviour, Christ Jesus, who has destroyed death and has brought life and immortality to light through the gospel... That is why I am suffering as I am. Yet I am not ashamed, because I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that he is able to guard what I have entrusted to him for that day."
Amen!! I hope that encourages you because, that is why we are here: to lift one another's burdens.
I have grieved before - my grandparents, my father when I was 9 - but not like this. First, I grieved when my girls came. My dream of parenthood and family was relentlessly destroyed by angry, abusive, hurting children. My home became more like a war zone and, instead of being a haven of peace for all of us, it became unendurable at times.
The grief and loss that my children have faced is phenomenal: loss of birth parents (including an unknown father who has never been named or has never had any involvement in their lives), loss of foster parents who did not adopt them, and loss of all they knew before they came to us. They are both survivors. They've had to be, because they've had no choice about the things that have happened to them.
I get that.
Because, I too had no choice about my husband's death. Suddenly he was gone. He took himself out of our lives, out of his life. He must have seen it as the only way, but how irreparably gone he is and how non-negotiable his loss is.
I am so filled with anger at times. Then my emotions crash wildly into deep sadness, numbness and a slow burning resentment (which is a form of anger).
How do I get rid of it? At times my emotions take over so that I can't think straight. In the last two years, I have experienced emotions I never knew I would feel. My older daughter has stirred up more aggression in me than I knew I was capable of. I swore (and I hate swearing). I punched walls and threw things around. I have shouted and screamed at her and about her.
And now, I am so very angry about the death of my husband. I can't even begin to find the end of this anger.
I am angry because I had no choice about this happening to me.
I am angry because I now have a huge load to carry, and no one, including me, knows how I will do it (except God).
I am angry because I am loaded with guilt and hold myself accountable for my husband's choice to die.
I am angry that a man I knew and loved better than anyone else in the world could see no other escape from his problems, that he could feel there was no other answer.
I am angry because I am now a widow, a single woman and a single mother. None of these are titles I have chosen or wanted. Ever.
I am angry that I have lost hope for my life.I know it will come back because God gives hope. That is why this blog is entitled "There is still hope..." because where there's life, there's hope. And I am alive. At times, only just alive, but alive still.
Somehow, at this end of this post, I want to point back to the Lord who is here with me in every possible way. How He speaks to me (later on, I will post some of the things He has said because I know they will help others in grief or who are suffering).
I just opened my Bible, thinking "I need a verse to encourage myself, and to encourage others". And here is what I found:
2 Timothy 1:8-12
...join with me in suffering for the gospel, by the power of God, who has saved us and called us to a holy life -- not because of anything we have done but because of his own purpose and grace. This grace was given us in Christ Jesus before the beginning of time, but it has now been revealed through the appearing of our Saviour, Christ Jesus, who has destroyed death and has brought life and immortality to light through the gospel... That is why I am suffering as I am. Yet I am not ashamed, because I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that he is able to guard what I have entrusted to him for that day."
Amen!! I hope that encourages you because, that is why we are here: to lift one another's burdens.
Amen!
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