Everything I planned to say was included in a few of my previous posts. I am mulling over the theme of "precious jewels". I am meditating on Psalm 40:2-3. I am working away at purging all the unnecessary stuff in my home (a big project).
I just had an interesting conversation with my daughter. She said "I don't want to move again. I mostly like it here, sometimes not." A lot of the time she will say "I love you" and she is very affectionate, but I wonder how much of that is genuine and how much is insurance. Call me suspicious or even cynical, but I already know that she does not trust easily (and with good reason, considering her early history).
I am craving a genuine, heartfelt affection. I long for what I shared with my husband. Even though he was struggling so much a year ago, he still loved me with his whole heart. I can never doubt his love for me, hard as it is to understand how he could leave me.
I want my daughter to truly love me. I guess she does, as much as she can in her limited experience and with the filters she has.
Then I need to step back and remember that I must parent her without high expectation. She has been through so much trauma in her early loss and has endured so much loss. Sometimes she will show what seems like genuine love and affection, but she may also hold back at other times.
I do know that she identifies me as her mother, she feels secure and loved in this home, and she is gradually developing. Since her sister left, she has come a long way, and even though she said that she isn't crazy about being an only child that's the first time I've heard her say anything like that. Up until now, she's obviously been enjoying freedom from her sister's constant monitoring, and she likes having my undivided attention.
I told her, on the day we went to the lawyer so she could sign her consent to be adopted, that this is a happy ending to a sad story.
If only she didn't have to have gone through this...
If only I could have had birth children...
But this is what we have, and I am more than grateful to God for this little girl. She gives me momentum and a reason to get out of bed in the morning. I don't know where I'd be without her. My life would be unimaginably empty. I'm so glad I don't have to imagine it.
I've heard other parents say that they learned about God the Father once they became parents. I can only imagine how God must long for us to love Him, truly from our hearts. He knows our hearts, so He can tell when we're just going along with it all.
And God wants our true love, not our half-hearted religious fervour. I don't want my daughter to "be good" as much as I want her to be my daughter. Of course, it's easier when we don't need to argue all the time! But she is strong willed, and it's natural that we would come into conflict at times. She hates to be wrong, and she's highly competitive, but she also wants to please.
Like my daughter, I struggle to trust my Father with every little thing. However, this path of grief is leading me to greater security and openness with Him. I am aware that He has been so near in all I've experienced. Now that I don't have my husband to talk over things with, I am reliant on others more.
An upset over a seemingly minor issue can be blown out of proportion in my mind. The Holy Spirit drops a little thought or word into my mind, and the stress is alleviated. That is a relief, but it is also very precious to me - that I am that loved by my Heavenly Father.
He has loved me with an everlasting love. My response is so inadequate, but I am keen to be His daughter, His bride.
I just had an interesting conversation with my daughter. She said "I don't want to move again. I mostly like it here, sometimes not." A lot of the time she will say "I love you" and she is very affectionate, but I wonder how much of that is genuine and how much is insurance. Call me suspicious or even cynical, but I already know that she does not trust easily (and with good reason, considering her early history).
I am craving a genuine, heartfelt affection. I long for what I shared with my husband. Even though he was struggling so much a year ago, he still loved me with his whole heart. I can never doubt his love for me, hard as it is to understand how he could leave me.
I want my daughter to truly love me. I guess she does, as much as she can in her limited experience and with the filters she has.
Then I need to step back and remember that I must parent her without high expectation. She has been through so much trauma in her early loss and has endured so much loss. Sometimes she will show what seems like genuine love and affection, but she may also hold back at other times.
I do know that she identifies me as her mother, she feels secure and loved in this home, and she is gradually developing. Since her sister left, she has come a long way, and even though she said that she isn't crazy about being an only child that's the first time I've heard her say anything like that. Up until now, she's obviously been enjoying freedom from her sister's constant monitoring, and she likes having my undivided attention.
I told her, on the day we went to the lawyer so she could sign her consent to be adopted, that this is a happy ending to a sad story.
If only she didn't have to have gone through this...
If only I could have had birth children...
But this is what we have, and I am more than grateful to God for this little girl. She gives me momentum and a reason to get out of bed in the morning. I don't know where I'd be without her. My life would be unimaginably empty. I'm so glad I don't have to imagine it.
I've heard other parents say that they learned about God the Father once they became parents. I can only imagine how God must long for us to love Him, truly from our hearts. He knows our hearts, so He can tell when we're just going along with it all.
And God wants our true love, not our half-hearted religious fervour. I don't want my daughter to "be good" as much as I want her to be my daughter. Of course, it's easier when we don't need to argue all the time! But she is strong willed, and it's natural that we would come into conflict at times. She hates to be wrong, and she's highly competitive, but she also wants to please.
Like my daughter, I struggle to trust my Father with every little thing. However, this path of grief is leading me to greater security and openness with Him. I am aware that He has been so near in all I've experienced. Now that I don't have my husband to talk over things with, I am reliant on others more.
An upset over a seemingly minor issue can be blown out of proportion in my mind. The Holy Spirit drops a little thought or word into my mind, and the stress is alleviated. That is a relief, but it is also very precious to me - that I am that loved by my Heavenly Father.
He has loved me with an everlasting love. My response is so inadequate, but I am keen to be His daughter, His bride.
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