A seed sower

Grief comes with such a multitude of conflicting emotions that cycle around at such a rate of speed. Depression is the one that is the hardest to push through. I know it's part of the process I'm in, but depression, particularly when there's a full moon, or dreary weather, is a heavy burden.

So, in moments of depression, what is the best response? I phone a friend. I listen to music. I write in my journal (Mark Virkler has some great teaching on this, which has really opened things up for me - I ask the Lord a question, listen for His voice and write down what He says, in flow).

Last week, I was weighed down by deep and sad thoughts. I was turning things over in my mind to the point of distraction. I was even a bit overwhelmed by small things. Then it started to happen: going over the past, feeling like a failure, dwelling on things that didn't work out, didn't happen or things lost. I looked back and saw a string of undone, incomplete things.

My husband and I had planned to work as missionaries early on in our marriage. The country we felt called to was very unstable, and when we went on a "spying out the land trip" we found that none of the other missionaries in the region were connected to each other. As time went on, we also found that they all liked it that way and weren't willing to join with us. We realized very quickly that it would not be a good idea for us to work in a vacuum in the middle of a very hard spiritual ground without a team around us. So we made the tough decision to pull back.

And, after many years, we were unable to have birth children. That in itself is a loss and a grief that will never go away, although it has dulled with time. Like all griefs, you never "get over" it, but you learn to live with it.

Then, there was the whole situation with the children and the decision of the older one to leave. Part of that, and the loss of my husband, has resulted in unresolved relationships, awkward conversations and difficulties with others that niggle and rub me the wrong way at times.

There were too many untied ends, unresolved situations. I felt like I had nothing to show for my life so far (am I going into a mid-life crisis???). I hear of the reward due to the righteous, and the golden crown reserved for those who have won souls, and I see nothing in my history so far to indicate that I have anything to bring before my King.

Yesterday, sitting in the sun at church, I heard these words: You are a seed sower. I flicked through my Bible and I found these words (and I don't remember this passage at all, so that was a God Thing).

[Jesus] also said, "This is what the kingdom of God is like. A man scatters seed on the ground. Night and day, whether he sleeps or gets up, the seed sprouts and grows, though he does not know how. All by itself the soil produces grain - first the stalk, then the head, then the full kernel in the head. As soon as the grain is ripe, he puts the sickle to it, because the harvest has come." Mark 4:26-29

I also remembered the verses in 1 Corinthians 3:6-9 - we will each be rewarded according to our own labour (not in comparison to others) AND we are co-labourers with God, His building.

Suddenly, my weight was lifted and I was able to see again. There may be seeds I've planted through that momentary contact or that brief conversation. My prayer is that I would scatter seeds in every person I meet - whether they have rich soil, rocky, thorny or thin soil.

I am looking forward to heaven for so many reasons, but now I have another: I want to see the wonderful fruit that came from the seeds I planted, watered and nurtured along the way.

Thank you God for your perspective!